Sarah Palin will never decide the contents of my uterus.

Since this isn't a real news source, I can TOTALLY link to Wikipedia, y'all! Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that John McCain chose Ms. Palin by this thought process: "She's a woman! And a lot of those people wanted a woman president! So this will appease the woman for president people! She's a Republican and she's a woman! Women are so hot right now! Women." Because I know that I, for one, am a huge fan of Hillary, but I'm a woman, and as long as there's another vagina on the ticket, that's what matters. Cause women be shoppin'! She's also, apparently, a member of Assemblies of God. Just what I was hoping for! Someone who will stand up for "traditional family values"! Load off my mind.

Aw geez, you guys...she just really sucks.

Moe Rocca can bring it home for ya.

I am a mean person, and Eva Mendes is a moron.

Do you ever encounter those people in your life whom you have no good reason to dislike, and you know that by disliking them you are automatically a bitch? You wish you could fire them from your consciousness, since they seem to take up residence with no regard to your mental health, but since they're not actually your friend, and (again)you have no sane/mature/emotionally viable reason to dislike them, you're kind of stuck with them?

FUCK. I feel like a mean, petty, heinous, bee-ya-HOTCH, but I sometimes fantasize about taking a baseball bat to this person's car and/or face. I've also noticed that I have a blackly comic preference for the baseball-bat-to-the-windshield fantasy. I've never once in my life committed violence against another person, with the exception of sophomore year of college when I threw a shoe at my (ahem) boyfriend's head. (For the record, of course he deserved it!) I'm not an angry or vicious person, and fortunately would never dream of actually using a baseball bat on anyone. I would perhaps instead simply slash his or her tires.

ANY-crap, in the Celebrity BS category, today I read from WENN news (always a totally reliable source, because it's on the internets, y'all!) that Eva Mendes is "totally proud" of her nekkid ads for Calvin Klein, because, like, it's totally art and stuff! The ads were too racy to air in the US or on the internet, but have been run in the UK and other European countries. My question is this: What, exactly, are you "proud" of, Eva? Like you're such a brave and cutting-edge artist and it took real courage to take your clothes off for millions of dollars and be shown completely airbrushed over in a countries where you do not live? Or are you proud of contributing to the glut and gross oversaturation of using women as sex objects to sell shit? For the record, shut the fuck up. And, because I'm in an extra-special cranky mood, you are required to watch this: (you'll love it)



Full disclosure: Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty is a nice idea, but I have to point out the Dove is owned by Unilever, a gigantic company that sells LOTS of products that DO NOT serve women. Dove is not a non-profit division of Unilever; therefore, the Campaign For Real Beauty is still a marketing tool to sell more products, albeit one that appeals to an increasing demand for healthy media images for young girls. But take it as a cool video! Because I'm just being super-misanthropic today! In fact, you could call me Miss Anthropic! YOINK!

Whew, I thought I was getting soft...

I am thrilled beyond reason to report that I can go back to hating Paris Hilton. I don't care HOW much self-winky winky you can muster, if you are schlocking horrifically terrifying fake hair under the endorsement, "That's hot," then I'm sorry, I can't do anything for you. It's a shame, too, because Paris and I had a whole tutoring schedule set up and everything. I would teach her how to read, and she would teach me about tanning. Alas, I don't think our relationship can continue; I just can't teach someone I don't respect.

And now for something completely unrelated, did anyone catch the Democratic National Convention last night? I didn't, but I scurried around the ol' Information Super-Highway (it's really just a series of tubes, is what it is) and watched as much video from the convention as I could find. So if you didn't catch Senator Kennedy's speech, please watch now. It's pretty good.



Finally, you may or may not know my affinity for baby elephants. So here it is: I LOVE BABY ELEPHANTS! Which is why this is EXTREMELY HEARTBREAKING!



Happy Tuesday.

Lookin' For My Outlaw Shaker Of Salt...**

That's the lyrics, right? I don't really know, I'm just guessing, because that's what it sounds like. **I have just been informed that these are actually NOT the lyrics to the song, that the lyrics are "Looking for my LOST shaker of salt." As my friend Amber points out, "Outlaw is way better. That outlaw shaker of salt! Always bursting in and overseasoning things!"

Okay, I'm not implying anything untoward by this, but...don't you think John McCain looks an awful lot like Jimmy Buffet? I mean...I'm not convinced they are not the same person.




Basically what I'm saying is, if he IS, in fact, Jimmy Buffet, he should just say that. And he should tell his wife. Anyone who is Jimmy Buffet should really let his spouse know his identity, especially if he's calling himself "John McCain" and running for president. I'm just sayin'.

Gwen, why must you hurt me?

I've ranted about this many a time, but FOR THE LOVE OF TINY BUNNIES, WHY must celebrities continue to give their children horrible, mock-inducing, psychologically abusive names? I point my accusatory finger at you, Gwen Stefani. Sure, you have a husband and I'm sure he had an opinion and whatever, but I KNOW that you are the mastermind behind this evil, evil, deed. In the words of my friend Amber, "They just need to throw a "Dakota" in there, it would be perfect. And then I would never stop vomiting."

Vomiting, indeed. Let's all welcome ZUMA NESTA ROCK ROSSDALE to the world.

This is a disease, and must be stopped. INOCCULATE YOURSELVES!!! Join me in the fight against pretentious and megalomaniacal names! Together, we can end the destructive reign of terror celebrities have gripped us with everytime one of them sprouts a baby bump.

From CNN via The Huffington Post, filed by me under Things That Shouldn't Surprise You, we're being watched! Or rather, cyberwarfare is on the rise and this is what it may look like.

Finally, the Great Minnesota Get Together is in full swing, so get out there and enjoy looking at the big hair, feed caps, and mom jeans. And please, be sure to eat Something On A Stick, or you will inevitably be asked, "You didn't try (fill in blank with totally inappropriately fried item) on a stick?!" You will get a similar reaction if you don't eat twenty-five Sweet Martha's Cookies with milk. I know, I sound like a total curmudgeon, but I feel the same way about the State Fair that I feel about Garrison Keillor: depending on my mood I find it's schtick alternately charming and really irritating. I mean, I AM going to see the baby animals, so my heart isn't completely made of tarry black matter.

PS, WHO ARE THE VEEP CANDIDATES???? Barack, don't hold out on me, my love.

Take THAT, Enterprising Little Girls!

This from www.jezebel.com:

With the rate of white-collar financial crime these days, it's no wonder we're shutting down these bitches at the source: their Roadside Black Market Vegetable Stand. Kate and Sabrina Lewis, sisters from Clayton, California, got the big F-You from local law enforcement when they were shut down this week. Apparently, the fuzz was worried that selling vegetables from their little home garden would lead to bigger and more sinister taxable incomes. Just check it out, and don't forget the sweet bonus of the Lemonade Stand game.

http://www.reason.com/blog/show/128212.html

Also, this is the best thing that's happened to us this week:

Loves it!

My my, life is funny sometimes. Last week I was an average 28-year-old, being snobby about pop culture and yet obsessed with it, of which a pre-requisite is Hating Paris Hilton. I'm not saying she's my new BFF, but Let me just say that self-awareness goes a long way in making me like you. If getting me to like you is one of your goals. In which case, you also need to bring a case of Diet Coke, (cans, not bottles!), those cheese crack sandwich thingies, some mid-priced vodka, and know about Hollywood musicals. I DIGRESS. Ms. Hilton has never impressed me as being particularly well-versed in politics, or well-versed in anything else for that matter, but gosh darn it if she hasn't risen in my esteem after this gem from Funny or Die:

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

And for those of you keeping track, (read: Me, my Mom.) my fourth 25th birthday is coming up next month. Besides world peace and a Reese's Peanut Butter Anatomically Correct Replica of Christian Bale, I only want one thing: For Mr. Noah Warren to perform at my birthday party. But what will Mr. Warren, the consumate Showboat, perform, you may ask? Wonder no more:



HEY!

The Church of Liza

I became a showboat the first time I saw "Singin' in the Rain." Something about Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Connor, and GENE KELLY!! tapping in a living room on top of furniture and singing "Good Morning" to each other sparked MY SOUL, people, MY SOUL. I remember immediately putting on Mary Janes and climbing on our kitchen table performing my own version of "Good Morning," and tap-dancing. I wager my parents would argue that my thrill for performance came earlier than that, but that's my earliest memory.

No matter where I'm at in my life, my favorite-est to be is in the middle of a stage with a spotlight on me. Either that's really immature or...yeah, it's probably really immature. But I'm all about honoring the showboat in myself, and today's tribute is to the Showboat Princess of the World, Mizz Liza (With a Z!) Minelli. The Queen being, of course, her mother. This video will make your day, and captures the exact essence of what makes me happy...although I suspect Liza was doing a lot of coke here. But still, bon appetit!

Shun the Non-Believer! Shhhhuuuuunnnnnn!

I've overhauled Old Girlmanac into the New and Improved Girlmanac! Now with Better Science and Techology! With knobs for turning, and adjusting!

But seriously.

To kick off my inaugural Post, I'd like to open with this little gem that's come across my desk, from the twisted mind of Secret Agent Bob. Special thanks to Jeremiah and Todd for bringing this to my attention and making my life much better than it was before.