Ivy + Mommy

My future

2010-04-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my friend Amie, who wondered if I ever did this to MY mother.

I now wait for the day when this happens...

Piano Girl

2010-04-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

Ivy likes to play the piano. When she feels moved to create music, she says, 'Play? Play?" She likes to sit in her eating chair on the piano bench; it makes her feel more secure. Here are some pics of her playing and singing a tune called, "Ivy, Mommy, Ivy." Yep, those are all the lyrics. :)

2010-04-15T09:03:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, Ivy walked up to Matt and said, "Daddy? Where other Daddy?" (meaning Michael)

On our walk yesterday, she jumped into a sidewalk puddle and said to a monk weeding the yard of the monastery, "THIS IS FUUUUUUN!!!!" He replied, "I think you were a monk in a past life." Ivy cocked her head thoughtfully for a moment and replied, "YUP!"

Today we went for a post-rain morning walk. It smelled wonderful, and we studied the worms out on the sidewalks. They were inching and crawling, and we were careful not to smush them as drove by in the stroller!

Here are some pictures from today and earlier this winter, again with Nova Solomon, and Charlotte Midwinter.

More from Monday and today

2010-04-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

Friends

2010-04-14T06:58:00.001-07:00

We love to spend time with our friends. This week we spent the day with Solomon, Nova, and Charlotte Midwinter! We went to the park, had snacks, played with the Kitty, and Solomon and Nova showed Ivy and Charlotte their excavating skills by "digging out" an "ancient" Roman Sundial. We decided to make a project out of it and dig out one piece each week until we have enough for a whole one! Then we will put it together and see if we can make it tell time!

Today Ivy got up at 6:00, had breakfast (to which she yelled, "YAY!") and then requested she watch "Jessica." (Murder She Wrote)

Ivy also sat on the potty today, albeit with her jeans still on. :) She pointed to her potty, then to the big potty, and said, "One potty, one potty, TWO potties!"

Now she is sitting on her potty, watching Murder She Wrote, wearing her purple hat. It is that kind of day.

Back Again!

2010-04-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was thinking, 'I should keep some kind of journal of Ivy's activities so we have them and we know where we've been..." Then I thought, "You have that. It's called your BLOG."

I can't believe it's been all winter! Here are some highlights. The flowers are from Daddy to Mommy on Valentine's Day. Then there's Ivy wearing Mommy's underwear around her neck because it's her "scarf." Ivy reading all about the Beatles, and our tea party with our "pals." More to come!

That's the story, morning glory

2009-11-20T08:28:00.001-08:00

Mommy and Matt are getting married!

I knew that Matt was having his mom's rings restored, and I was excited. I didn't know when they'd be done, or how he would do it! On the 12th of November, Matt took me to see "Faith Healer" at the Guthrie, which we both LOVED, but was, as he puts it, "comically unromantic." It was very heavy!
It was cold and drizzling, and we were hungry after the show, so we went to our favorite late-night noshing, Great Waters in Saint Paul. We went back to Matt's house off West 7th, and Matt said, "You want to take a little walk?" I thought, "Um...it's kind of cold and rainy, but sure..." so we had a surprisingly pleasant stroll through the neighborhood. We got back to the house and I got my things from the car, and went up the steps to the house. He grabbed my hand and said, "Wait..." fumbled in his pocket and brought out the ring. He knelt on one knee and said, "I love you more than I can say. I love your daughter, and want to be a father to her. I love your family and want to be part of it. I want to join my life with yours. Will you be my wife?"

I said yes. Of course!

June 12th, 2010. Be there!

We are so excited, and thanks to our families and friends. We love you all very much.

Pants!

2009-10-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

Poor Ms. Pants, her blog has been neglected! It's time for an update, since she was officially 16 months old on Sunday!
She is walking all over the place, and saying many words, including some of her own invention! Mommy, Daddy, Matty, Buddy, Ivy, water, ("watee"). She calls lights "Gawees," and her bottle "bobby." When she isn't sure what to say, she says "Puppy!" or "Kitty!" which especially cracks up Matt. ("Now you're just SAYING things!")
We've had a beautiful summer and fall, filled with fun, laughter, family time, and love. Visits to Grammi and Grampy, Grandma and Papa, Grandma Jane and Grampa Bill, and many good times with families and friends. Daddy and Ivy have been riding bikes a lot, which Ivy loves but doesn't love her helmet! Mommy and Matty have loved taking her to the zoo, on walks, and Ivy has found a new friend in Mr. Sparkle, Matt's "Kitty!" (Mr. Sparkle does not share the enthusiasm, exactly...) Mommy is also oddly attached to "Sparko"...even though she's not a "cat person," she's fallen for this one!

Halloween is coming up, and there will be pics of Miss Priss in her costume!!

Love to all!
Mommy & Ivy

Future Ole!

2009-07-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

And ok, I'm SORRY! I forgot my camera!

Mommy, Ivymae, Steve, Julie, and Laura (The New Mrs. Pinnsoneault!) drove down to Northfield today for a little Hogan Brothers...

Yes. Oles are so crazy about their Northfield landmarks they may even drive AN HOUR for a sandwich.

Mommy got to reminisce with her friends and eat. Ivy got to throw her bottle on the floor and eat (a gingerbread muffin. Yummy.) Afterward, we strolled down Division Street, then down to the river. Northfield is so beautiful; I miss it a lot sometimes.

Of course a trip to Northfield wouldn't be complete without a trip to campus. So, much to the chagrin of Stephen, we made a lovely trek through campus, through the woods behind Kittlesby, back up behind the new science center (which is AMAZING, btw!) and back through Buntrock Commons. We even stopped at the bookstore so Mommy could pick out an outfit for Punky...turns out baby college gear is a little too pricey for Mommy right now, but we might put it on our Christmas list!

Anyway, I love St. Olaf, I love Northfield, and it was Ivy's first trip there. I so appreciated my friends spending the day with us and remembering! :)

This is a picture with her Great Uncle Dick, and I just love it so much...our pretty girl!

Cuz We've Got the Kind of Beauty That...MOVES

2009-07-13T05:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm being propelled by sheer force of inertia; I wake up simply because Ivy is crying and awake. I make lunch because it's time for her to eat. My day is focused on getting through these moments instead of enjoying these moments. Most of the time I feel like I'm in that vague place of awake and asleep, and I'm struggling to wake up. My brain and body vaguely pay attention to what I'm doing, they in a generally bored in-passing kind of way are aware of what I"m doing, but I'm not AWAKE! And my fear is that I miss something...every breath is something new she does, something she's discovered. And I want to be completely present for that.

In the past week and a half or so, Ivy has been actively hugging. I don't know when the first time it happened was...often she'll do something new with Michael or me, and we'll say to each other, "She did this today...has she done that before?" It's hard to keep up! :) But we noticed the hugging about the same time. Then she reached for Matt and hugged him, and we knew she was a hugger! What a snuggler. She still isn't a shy girl. Last night we went to Grandpa Bill and Grandma Jane's, and while most of the people there weren't completely familiar, she quietly observed, then decided they were great, then tore around the house chasing Teh Kitteh! She LOVES all her grandmas and grandpas, and is always so visibly excited to see them! Of course, they give her insane amounts of attention, which is awesome.

In my quest to become a better parent, aside from actually PRACTICING being one, I've been reading a lot from The Mindful Parent. Mindful parenting is an idea that fascinates me, something I think can only benefit Ivy.

And as always, my favorite singer/songwriter is an inspiration:

I walk in stride with people
much taller than me
and partly it's the boots but
mostly it's my chi
and I'm becoming transfixed
with nature and my part in it
which I believe just signifies
I'm finally waking up

and there's this moth outside my kitchen door
she's bonkers for that bare bulb
flying round in circles
bashing in her exoskull
and out in the woods she navigates fine by the moon
but get her around a light bulb and she's doomed

she is trying to evolve
she's just trying to evolve

now let's get talking reefer madness
like some arrogant government can't
by any stretch of the imagination
outlaw a plant
yes, their supposed authority over nature
is a dream
c'mon people
we've got to come clean

cuz they are locking our sons
and our daughters in cages
they are taking by the thousands
our lives from under us
it's a crash course in religious fundamentals
now let's all go to war
get some bang for our buck

I am trying to evolve
I'm just trying to evolve

gunnin for high score in the land of dreams
morbid bluish-white consumers ogling luminous screens
on the trail of forgetting
cruising without a care
the jet set won't abide by that pesky jet lag
and our lives boil down to an hour or two
when someone pulls a camera out of a bag

and I am trying to evolve
I'm just trying to evolve

so I walk like I'm on a mission
cuz that's the way I groove
I got more and more to do
I got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that I don't take good pictures
cuz I have the kind of beauty
that moves

Like the moon, and the stars, and the sun...

2009-07-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon youre gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin to do
Its up to you, yeah you

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin at fools like me
Who in the hell dyou think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Evryone come on

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Evryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When youre evrywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

We've been dancing to this song, and it's been in my head the past few days. The definition of karma: action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.
You reap what you sow.

I hope we can teach her to so as much good stuff as possible. Lots of dancing.

The 4th, and being a Helper

2009-07-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

I could kick myself for not getting pictures of her at Matt's 4th of July party! She hung out with "Matty," and of course her Daddy! She got very dirty and looked like a hippie...Uncle Steve even played some Phish for us! ;)

But here are some of her "helping" Mommy get her school paper in order, and some of Mommy at the party with Matty, and both of her "Auntie Laura's"!

And the Worst Mother of the Year Award Goes To...

2009-06-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

Ivy had mango yesterday for lunch. Lots and lots of mango. So we're sitting at the table, I'm talking to her and we are laughing about how hilarious it is to throw mango and Cheerios on the floor, (HILARIOUS, in case you were wondering), and all of a sudden she holds up her little fist and...that...isn't...mango...what the...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just like that, there was poop smeared all over her face. I think I
squawked, I was so horrified.

"Honey, no! Icky, icky, icky!"

She examined the poop hand, then the mango hand, then gave me the biggest (AHEM) shit-eating grin you've ever seen. (YEAH! See what I did there? SHIT-EATING GRIN?! GET IT???)

Ai yi yi. Someone ALSO got her teeth brushed for the first time yesterday, you can bet on that.

2009-06-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

One of my favorites. We've been rocking the MJ this morning, helping Daddy get ready for his Testosterone Trip up north! :) And by helping, I mean, "Mommy and Ivy have been boogying to MJ videos on YouTube and distracting Daddy."

We have a relaxing weekend planned, with lots of family time (hopefully!) outside time!

Oh crap...to Ivy's many attributes, add destructive...huh. Well, the books WERE on the shelf! ;)

PS

2009-06-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

This is our dancing and nap-time song today. I like to think of Ivy having sweet dreams to this song.

The Past Few Weeks...

2009-06-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

...have been SO exciting for us! Ivymae is doing genius things, really. She now can say "Kitty" (to her stuffed kitty and to Grandma Jane's cats...we haven't tried it on Mr. Sparkle yet...) She puts up her finger and says, "Bob! Bob bob!" when she wants her bottle, and now says "Uppies!" when she wants to be picked up. (This is what Matt asks her when he goes to pick her up.)

Mommy spent the weekend in the Black Hills, and Ivymae had an AWESOME TIME with cousin Lauren last week, Grandpa Bill and Grandma Jane this weekend, and DADDY all day Monday and Tuesday!

Besides a constant stream of Ivy-speak, her new favorite thing is to stand up and turn off the cable box. We aren't sure how she figured out that particular button, since it's one of many and frankly, Mommy doesn't even know how to work the thing. The first time she did it, I said, "No!" She sat down hard and put her hands in her lap and gave me her best Baby Jesus routine, and that was the end of me. Now I let her do it all day. This child is getting NO discipline. :)

Pictures from Ivy in Mommy's old law school bag, and a few of Mommy and Matt at Mount Rushmore. Cause we're just patriotic like that.

Back to Basics

2009-06-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

Watching Miss Punky travel her own way around the living room this morning, all the anxiety of the past few weeks seems kind of silly. This little cupcake is such a miracle...a year ago today she was kicking to get out, and now she's toddling around the living room. Ivy is so loved, it seems amazing some days that one little person could be so adored by so many people. I wish every little one was that loved. And Mommy is loved too! (She needs to relax a little bit, though...)

Yesterday Ivymae spent the day with Great-Grandma Zimm, her cousin Scotty, and her Grandpa Bill and Grandma Jane. What a fun day!
Daddy said that Ivy was "obsessed" with playing with the jacks ball, and loooooved her cousin Scotty, whom she met for the first time! :)

Um Ya Ya

2009-06-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Becky (Lenius) McKeever, Kate Kennedy, Laura Howting Geislinger, Miranda Wingerter Meunier, Megan Fatheree

Alex McKeever, Aidan McKeever, Emma Meunier, and Ivy Mae Kennedy-Schwartz

Well, from Fall of 1998 to Summer of 2009, this is where we are!

We all got together at Dan and Laura's house on Sunday for a BFCW reunion. We've grown up and apart over the years, but still have a loving, comforting way with each other that is so amazing, and I feel lucky to be part of it.

I especially love seeing my roommate, Becky...God couldn't have put together two more different people to share a tiny space, but Becky was such a wonderful, (patient) roommate...I miss her. We will have to get together soon.

Ivymae has had such a good weekend! Lots of chatting, walking, dancing. Lots of love.

Chompers: A Love Story

2009-06-04T11:20:00.001-07:00

You know your love for your child is undying when you still feel fond of them after a hard day of teething.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this: I hate teething. Not as much as poor Ivymae does, no doubt, but taking care of this child while teething is like being forced to do everything with your left hand. I feel incompetent, and I have a headache, and I can't pee or shower without a forlorn wail echoing through the halls of the house.

Her father, who is much more patient and mature than I, handles this much better. His patience is also extended towards me, for which I'm grateful. Yesterday, when I finally got into the shower at around 5:00, I started crying. I think mostly because I'm perhaps a tad more high-strung than the average bear, but also because I just felt so unhelpful and ineffective. There was nothing I could do to help her, and more than that, I didn't WANT to be around her. I felt like Annette Bening in that scene from American Beauty when she can't sell the house and she starts crying and slaps herself in the face, and says "Shut up, you baby!" I got dressed and picked her up and just rocked her, even though she was squirming and obviously in pain. She didn't want ice or her teether, so I just tried to snuggle her. Finally Michael got home and he took one look at me and said, "I'm guessing it's been a tough day, huh?" I was so relieved that he understood I almost started crying again.

He took her last night, and I went on a Date Night. Ivymae was up again from 1:30 to 3:30 with Daddy, so it's been rough for everyone. I comfort myself with the fact that when she's sixteen and crashes her (dad's) car, we'll think fondly back on the days when she was only teething!

This morning I gave her some Ibuprofen befor breakfast, which Michael thought of last night. (Why must he be so much SMARTER??? MAN, that guy is good.) she's been playing and pulling herself up and rolling around in the living room, and it's been nothing but heaven.

I think I need to get simple when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just forget about all the other stuff I need to do, and just sit with her. I mean...nothing else is really that important, right? She's lovely and amazing, and being such a trooper...much moresoe than Mommy. :)

Tomorrow we head to Ames overnight for my cousin's wedding. Ivymae will get to see a lot of family! Most importantly, Grammi!!!!

2009-06-02T19:10:00.001-07:00

Ivy is an angel. I have decided this after much thought. She is teaching me patience, kindness, priorities, and self-love. I doubt she is aware of this, but along with being an angel, she is also a genius, so anything is possible.

This girl is CA-RAAAAZY about her Daddy. As soon as he walks into the room, her face lights up. You can almost hear her Inner Monologue saying, "Get this old broad outta here, my MAN is home!" They talk to each other in Daddy And Ivy Language, and I don't understand a word of it. I can't even conjugate its form of "to be." Granted, we have our own language as well, so it's all good.

Apparently, her love of the bath does not translate into her love of water in general. Michael turned on the sprinklers today and there was immediate Pouty Face...not fear or panic, just, "I don't LIKE that thing!" I wonder if it just LOOKS weird to her for some reason.

Well, a cake has been decided upon. It is a chocolate cake, and we're having homemade frosting! Don't get too excited, partygoers. It will probably be an inch high and taste like a bath mat. I ain't no Becky Home-ecky.

Michael went out to get DQ, for old times' sake, i.e. when I was preggo. As long as we're all nostalgic, I should have asked for 3-cheese kettle chips and pear juice from Byerly's. And a Crispy Chicken Super-Size meal. HOLLA!!!

Terrible, Horrible, No-good, Very Bad Mommy

2009-06-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

That's me today.

It started at 7:00 with a wake up. We always nurse first thing in the morning. This morning Ivymae decided that because her teeth hurt (poor buddy!) that boobs were for chewing. Half-asleep, I yelled, "OUCH!" which of course startled her, and she started to cry. Great. Now I'm that mom who yells at her kids for no reason.

Her teeth ache so much, poor little tiny! She's biting down on everything she can get in there, but we really like our little mesh bag that we can put an ice cube in. It doesn't feel better for very long, though. There is a lot of bucking and head butting.

It's before 11, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. She doesn't want to be held, or play, or read, so we'll try going down to sleep.

I'm giggling to myself now about how dazed I am when she falls asleep. It's like I finally have a chunk of time to do something productive, but I'm too glazed over to do it. I just got done staring off into space and eating toast which I realized half way through had nothing on it. But it's Michael's "Men's Health" bread, which I'm sure is chock-full of testosterone. So I'll probably have some 'roid rage later.

I'm also contemplating making a cake for Ivymae's Big Day. There are some pros to this: a homemade cake is much better than one with that buttercream frosting. It is probably cheaper. I can make a cake with no animal ingredients in it, (which I realize isn't a "pro" for everyone else) and it will be fresher. The main "con" here would be that my baking projects are usually EPIC FAILURES. And cakes are delicate...you can't just throw whatever you want together, which is how my entire life operates. But now I feel like it's a challenge, like my mothering skills are somehow being called on the carpet here by myself, and to succumb to the bakery cake would be a gigantic Puss Out.

You wanna GO, Donna Reed? What now, Betty Crocker? Who's bad???

Where's the owner's manual for this thing?

2009-05-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

I discovered this week one of the zillion reasons motherhood makes me insane. It's taken me a while...I mean, what's so hard about taking care of a protohuman all day? She doesn't get mouthy, she doesn't steal the car keys, she doesn't tell me she is SO OUT OF HERE when she turns 18.

She whines.

Constantly.

No no, don't defend her. She is absolutely insufferable. Geniuses are often tyrannical.

I love nothing more than just BEING with this child. She climbs on me, sometimes takes a break and just nurses sort of languidly, patting the top of my breast with her little hand as if to indicate this is good shit, Mom. Then she kind of rolls around, or pulls herself up by her miraculously strong legs. She likes to dance when she does this...a bit of the old soft shoe, you know. The girl would have made a killing in Vaudeville.

But you know...sometimes I have to do other things. Like brush my teeth. Or put on a bra. Pants are also useful. Not only that, but she seems to enjoy clean diapers, so I wash those once in a while too. Also, the aftermath of her meals makes the kitchen look like it's been through guerilla warfare, so I it's nice to have that cleaned up as well.

Whenever I make a move to do one of the myriad of chores necessary to keep the house from looking like we're just squatters here until the landlord catches us, she tends to become very VERY vocal about my OBVIOUS lack of priorities. I set her down, scurry off to throw some diapers in the wash,and she screams so dramatically you'd think I'd just thrown her down the steps of the cellar to the rats. I rush back to jounce her or dance to Beyonce, then scurry off again to wipe now-brown bananas off the floor, more of the same. I rush back to change her...the cycle continues. I have dubbed it, "The Mamarama."

I related this to her father, who generally regards me with a gentle smile and nod as if to keep my various personalities at bay, and he shifted his weight for a moment, cleared his throat, and said softly, "Um...have you thought of maybe putting her in the Pack and Play with some of her pals while you do other things?" I think I literally slapped my forehead with my palm. That's why he's the brains in this outfit, and I'm the boobs.

So I've been doing that this week, with good results. She sometimes moos a little, but then realizes she has lots of pals in that Pack n Play. Piglet and Giant Bunny are good for a laugh, for sure. She looks up at me now from inside the white mesh netting as if to say, "Mom, SERIOUSLY. These guys are HILARIOUS!"

I've decided not to feel guilty about gleefully singing the old Smashing Pumpkins hit from my fast-fading youth when she's in there:

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage!

There's just something wildly amusing to me about singing about this googly-eyed bundle of snuggles like she's an angsty teenager locked in her room.

The girl is a genius though, no fakes. Just in time for the Big Birthday, she's holding up "Number 1!" She knows what's up. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and she said, "Oh Mommy, just being with you every day is a gift!" I'm pretty sure that's what she said. It was while she was being changed, and sounded a lot like, "Baba doo, baba doo!"

I've been trying to make a mix CD for everyone at her birthday party, with all kinds of fun songs on it that remind me of Miss Ivy Mae. I had to pause today when Matt pointed out, "Um...this one might be kind of vulgar for a mix of songs inspired by a one-year-old for her grandparents." Oy.

Just an FYI...

2009-05-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

If anyone besides me was concerned about my milk supply, rest your weary heads. Pumping was needed STAT!!! :)

Yow...

Poor Tiny :(

2009-05-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

You can see in these pictures that Ivymae has as cold...but she is being such a trooper! (Don't worry, Gramma and Aunt Kelly...She's still good for travelling, she just might be sleeping a lot this weekend!)

We were climbing and looking out the window...we a had a relaxing Friday morning of bananas, playing, and now napping! She was so chatty this morning too, even though she doesn't feel well. "Uh oh, Dada! Dada, uh oh!" :)

Even through her cold she wants to play and play! What a buddy.

"Uh-oh!"

2009-05-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

That's been the word of the day! We've been saying that since we woke up...

Mommy: Do you want your bob? (bottle)

Ivy Mae: Uh-oh!

Mommy: Do you want some mango?

Ivy Mae: Uh-oh!

Mommy: How about Piglet? Do you want to snuggle?

Ivy Mae: Uh-oh! Uh-oh, Mama!

So here's Ivy Mae saying "Uh-oh!" and eating her mango. :)

Superwomen

2009-05-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

How do you measure a year in the life?

2009-05-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I was miserable. I weighed 215 pounds, was in constant pain, and lived in a black cloud of pre- and post-partum depression.

And time slid forward, one moment to the next, from kisses and smiles and giggles, sleepless nights and heartbreak, worry and loneliness, joy and love and family. We are nearly on the other side of a year, and Ivy Mae has a mommy who is strong, physically and emotionally. I could never have done it without the unconditional and unrelenting love from my family and friends.

We are so blessed to have this beautiful child. She is willful and strong, delightful and kind. She is a bundle of Zen: there isn't a thought in her mind except the moment right in front of her. When it's over, it's the past, and the only thing she uses the past for is to learn the next new thing she needs to know. She doesn't worry about the future. She stays Right. Here.

Here's to Ivy Mae, our almost-walking, almost-talking lesson in the Meaning of This.

It's that time...

2009-05-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that neither I nor Michael EVER threw temper tantrums, so I can't imagine WHERE she gets this idea from! ;)

It's true, we're starting our first tantrums, and this woman is one who knows what she wants, and isn't afraid to tell us! When she's happy, she's the happiest child in the world, and when she's mad, you are in TROUBLE, mister!

We love her in all her moods, through the throwing and screaming...she's our Ivy Mae!

These are from yesterday...her new thing is crawling under her exersaucer.

Ivy Mae: What a dish!

2009-05-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Miss Ivy M. had a great weekend!
Friday we spent the afternoon in Matt's backyard, playing in the sun. Saturday we went to see a short film Mommy did for a film class as MCAD, and Ivy sat and watched quietly...much too quietly for an eleven-month old! That lasted until we decided to be a wiggle worm and Matt and Megan held her for the rest of the time...thanks. ;)

Sunday afternoon Daddy's friends Pete and Axel came over, and Ivy Mae had a playmate for a few hours! She had fun having a "big kid" around.

She spent some time outside this morning, examining grass and playing with Mommy and Aunt Jaimee.

Creeper Crawler

2009-05-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a "Kitten" stuck up a tree somewhere?

Branch Points

2009-05-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

It is easy to miss the way in which every moment contains the enormity of the entire universe, can be full of surprises and unthought-of possibilities, and forget that we can watch them unfold, and are called to participate in their unfolding. Young children are native to this magical world, where everything is fresh and new and possible.

-Jon Kabat-Zinn

Love Song To Ivy

2009-05-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite things to hit YouTube...

Present/Infant

2009-05-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age i'd of thought
of something better to do
than making insecurity into a full-time job
making insecurity into an art

i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better

but now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present/infant glee
and i would defend
to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be

so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place

-Ani DiFranco

THIS is what I call "art modelling."

2009-05-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

I just really love the process, you know?

Mommy's use of light and...paint...during this shoot was just so
amazing!

I did my own make-up for this series...

As an artist and model, I really enjoy shoots that challenge me...I call the piece I'm working on here "Mother's Day Fingerpainting." I got to eat a lot of the purple, which was truly exquisite.

Happy Mother's DAY!!!

Great-Grandma Simdorn's Birthday at Lake Okoboji

2009-05-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we went home sweet home to Iowa and stayed with Grammi and Grandpa at the cabin at Okoboji! We saw Uncle Joe's new house, walked on the beach, but most importantly, celebrated Great-Grandma's 86th birthday! We loved seeing our family, and Matt got to meet the whole fam-damly!

Here's Ivy Mae with Grammi, and at Great-Grandma's party!

An Amazing Mother's Day

2009-05-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

How could I be luckier? It was my first Mother's Day, and what a perfect day it was!
I started the day off with pancakes and eggs and the Beatles on vinyl! As a lot of you know, pancakes and The Beatles are the surest way to my heart...:) We then went to pick up Miss Ivy Mae for a trip to the Minnesota Zoo! What a button!
Ivy had a big day. She spent the morning at the MOA with her Daddy at the Race for The Cure, then Mommy and Matty took her to see the animals!
It was Ivy's first trip to the zoo, and we weren't sure what she would think. It didn't see like she could really see everything very well, so we skipped the animals that weren't moving. She got face to face with a goose and lamb, but DID NOT like when the mama ewe said, "BAAAAAAAAAAAA!" right in her face! We had to have some hugs after that. :(
After seeing the reindeer, Ivy decided she was having a blast, and called out to everyone we met on the path, "Heeeyy!! OOOO!!!!" She laughed hysterically!

Thank you so much for such a wonderful day, especially to Michael and Matt. You both made me feel so loved and appreciated! :)

And OF COURSE, the reason for the day is our SUPERSTAR!!!

Blueberries for Baby!

2009-04-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a Blueberry Day! Blueberries abounded...in the hair, in the pants, under the fingernails, in the ears! YAY BLUEBERRIES!!! Today Ivy scooted like a worm across the entire living room, after a nice morning of more blueberries, (Mommy learned this time to just leave her in her diaper!), saying goodbye to Daddy, getting a birthday present ready for Grammi, and now having a "tea party" with Bunny, Moose, and Crazy Dolly.

This weekend Mommy, Matt, and Ivy are going home to Iowa for Great-Grandma Simdorn's birthday party at Lake Okoboji! We are going to stay at our cabin and take lots of walks. If it's nice, we'll walk on the beach!

Happy Thursday!

Tips for Maximum Meal Enjoyment, By Ivy Mae Kennedy-Schwartz

2009-04-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends, Grammas, Grampas, Aunties, and Uncles!

Mommy is taking the day off today! Something about "cleaning this place before your Daddy gets home!" and "looks like it's been pillaged by pirates." I LOVE pirates! Mommy is so funny.
I am writing today to give you tips on eating. Eating is very fun! It is pretty much my favorite thing to do, besides chewing on shoes and bouncing.
First of all, you have to make sure that you are being fed by a spoon. This is very important! You will need it later.
Okay, so open your mouth, because someone will be slipping mushy stuff into it. You will have to endure this for a little while, otherwise you will miss the best part:

SPOON!!!!

Spoons are amazing in every way. Apparently, you can place food in the little round part and use it to toss food onto the floor, or down your pants, or down Mommy's shirt! Amazing invention!

This part lasts for as long as Mommy lets you do it. I enjoy a nice lukewarm oatmeal down my pants, back, or even as a fun hair product. This is for a maximum eating experience!!!

When Mommy finally decides it is time to clean up, it's DESSERT TIME!!! And by dessert, I mean the washcloth she uses to clean your face. It is delicious! I don't recommend it for actual face-washing; yucky.

This is a best way to enjoy a meal. For some reason, though, I'm always still hungry afterwards...

Here are some pictures of me eating...I am so good at it!

Bye bye!

The Notorious I.V.Y.

2009-04-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

What a big weekend!!! Ivy spent a lot of time with aunties and uncles this weekend, because mommy was off socializing. We have decided that we can't bear to be apart for that long and have made a Pinky Promise not to be that busy again. :)

This weekend, Ivy took a shower for the first time and loved it! She just looked up into the shower head like, "Ahh...manna from heaven! THIS is living!" She is now much cleaner than she was previously, without various bits of carrots and oatmeal in obscene places.

She also has been saying "Mama mama!" and "Bayyybee!" and has many, many stories to tell. My favorite one so far is entitled, "Oooo Whoaaaa bayyyybeee Ooo." I'm not sure exactly what the plot is, but it sounds exciting!

Friday night we went to the Saint Paul Art Crawl, and saw our friend Kara's work, which was amazing...she's so talented, a genius, really. The Nautilus Muscial Theatere was there singing some showtunes, and OF COURSE Mommy and Ivy stopped and listened to selections from My Fair Lady, Chess, and even Ben Folds! We were with Matt's dad and his wife. Always fun!

Ivy is loving her whole milk, fresh from the farm!

Here are some pictures just out of the shower, and one of Mommy at her friends Cassie's wedding with her friend Laura. They may have had some wine when this picture was taken, but I can't confirm that. (Mommy and Laura, that is, not Mommy and Ivy...)

Mama

2009-04-23T03:28:00.000-07:00

Ivy said "Mama," for the first time yesterday! Of course, it was when she was mad at me, but I didn't care. I was getting into the shower, and Ivy was sitting in the kitchen, whining because she wanted to be HELD, WOMAN! I said, "I'll be right out, baby!" and then, "Mama! (snifflesnifflesniffle) Mama!" I ran out and said, "Mama? Did you say 'Mama'?" She just looked at me like, "Well take your damn shower already! I need attention!" Victory in our time!

Her new favorite is clapping, which Daddy taught her. She claps delightedly to the music that I'm pretty sure plays constantly in that giant noggen of hers. :)

Daddy is gone for the next few days, so it's just me and Ivy! We have a busy weekend ahead, but plan on getting a lot of play time in.

Daddy Time

2009-04-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

(Mommy would like to sweetly point out that perhaps Daddy needs to gain a few since he is sitting in IVY'S CARSEAT. Daddy, carbs are our friends!)

Ivy's Very Favorite Time is Daddy Time! Ivy and Daddy tell stories, build with blocks, and love exploring the world together. They go on lots of outings to Daddy's store, to visit Grandma Zimm, and to go out and meet new people! Meeting people and being in the world is a very big deal to Mommy and Daddy, and Ivy loves it!

At ten months, her dad and I are thinking of switching her formula...we dislike the sugary, artificially processed ingredients of standard formula. We're trying to get her either more breastmilk or find a homemade formula recipe. The feeding adventures continue!

Rawkin' the Hawk, playing Peekaboo!

2009-04-20T11:47:00.001-07:00

Ivy is now able to play peekaboo by herself, and is ADDICTED! After her bath this morning, I gave her a "faux hawk."

Happy Ten Months!

2009-04-20T11:37:00.001-07:00

This weekend we went to a birthday party for our friend, Kari, and Ivy was a total SHOWBOAT! She loved meeting new people, and we danced to Matt on the washtub bass, playing with our friends Pete, Kari, and their mom and dad. What a blast! Sunday Ivy hung out with Daddy all evening, which is by far her FAVORITE thing to do! and went to a clothing swap with Aunt Laura and Mommy!
Ivy is talking, talking, talking, saying "Ewwww!" and "Da da!" and "nananana". Overnight, she went from never wanting to be on her tummy to ALWAYS wanting to be on her tummy. This week she has been helping Mommy "fold laundry," and trust me, is a VERY big help! ;)

Up Around the Bend

2009-04-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

We are SOOOO excited for SPRING and then SUMMER in Minnesota! Mommy and Ivy are very, very blessed to have a beautiful backyard at their house! We love to spend the early evenings outside around the fire. Last summer, Ivy was much too tiny to explore, but this summer, we are movin' and shakin'!
Last night, Matt built a fire, he and Mommy, Aunt Jaimee and Mizz Ivy had a blast rolling around in the dirt and grass. SOME of us tasted leaves and sticks, which we found were not as delicious as they looked. It was the first time Ivy noticed things on the ground...we might have a future Girl Scout! We all had bottles in our hands, of one type or another. ;)
I'm so grateful to be a Midwesterner...there's nothiing like throwing together some supper, good friends, beer, and laughter. We are so lucky!
Ivy is trying her best to crawl, but just doesn't like being on her tummy. With lots of grunting and scooting, she gets where she needs to go, though.
Her dad is a master behind the grill, so lots of backyard time is planned in the coming months. Matt also has a huge backyard! Who needs a vacation when you've got grass and a blanket?

Poop: "Poop" spelled backwards.

2009-04-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Ivy was still fighting nasty-ass diaper rash when she woke up this morning. The drama of motherhood: when will the mystery rash disappear? What is it? Is it an allergy? WHY DOES IT KEEP COMING BACK???
We've already been to the MD, so this morning I called my chiropractor, and begged her to look at it. Surprise! It's a virus, and she put a nifty light-thingy on Ivy's butt, and the sores were gone! Toss out the medicated crap, keep using the Calendula diaper cream, and ding ding ding! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! All better. :)

After I changed her around noon, I went to throw the poo away, stopping on the way to pick up some toys to then put away on my way back to the bathroom and her room, and felt something...squishy...on my foot...I looked down and WHAT WHAT! The contents of her diaper had plopped onto the floor, which I'd then stepped in, which I'd then tracked all over the house, which now explains why we need carpet cleaner. Baby poop is worse than dog poop. And more orange, apparently.

Hm...what's for dinner?

Joy of Yummies

2009-04-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Ivy Mae has been eating solids for a few months now, and eating is one of the most joyful moments we share, and her father feels the same way. We both love food, and are big supporters of buying fresh and local. Of course, when you're the manager of a Byerly's like her dad, you have tons of access to gorgeous food! He DOES spend a larger proportion of money on high-quality food. But by cutting out packaged, sugary foods that don't offer much in the way of taste, nutrition, or the "soul" factor, the grocery bill isn't that much bigger. We don't have sugary cereals, packaged meals, a ton of meat, soda (sometimes I get it, though! As Laura O. says, "Ah, Diet Coke...my dark mistress!") or sweets. Not that I don't like those things! I eat what I like, but it's not on the regular grocery list. (I have a pie addiction!)
As for Ivy, we've had a great time giving her whole foods that I mill in a baby food mill. I steam the fruit or veggies in the microwave, then mill it and add it to oatmeal (instant but plain.) Yeah, sounds really hippy-dippy and time-consuming, right? Not so. Ivy only eats about one fruit and one vegetable a day. Milling takes about two minutes, and it takes ten minutes to steam the veggies if needed. I give her a bottle in that time. I make a lot at once, and we have her food for two or three days! I also add some breastmilk to it before I give it to her. Just in case anyone is interested in saving money and giving your baby some healthy food! Life is too short to eat crappy food...and cost is no excuse, because packaged baby food is pricey. (And yes, fries and pizza is still a requirement sometimes!)

Here's a link to the food mill, which you can find or order from PeaPods, as well as a million other places online!

Ivy also crawled over to the DVD shelf today and pulled them out one by one, tossing them behind her! Yesterday I caught her right as she was reaching for the powerstrip under the TV...anyone have any good tips for child-proofing?! She's way faster than I imagined!

Happy Wednesday!

Easter Bunny

2009-04-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

Holy Hannah, it's been a long time since I posted. I'm going to write about Ivy, since she's waaaay more interesting than I!
She's 10 months on the 18th, and doesn't want to crawl. Put her on her tummy and she starts to moo. She loves standing and being held, but she LOVES dancing! And by "dancing," I mean "bouncing." She is CRAAAAZZZZEEEE about the bouncing.
She's eating oatmeal and all kinds of fruit now, and loves details like buttons, points them out with her little finger. This Easter weekend my parents came, and Saturday we had dinner with them, along with Matt and her dad, Michael. We had a blast! Right before bed, Michael was holding her and she smiled at him and said, "Da da!" We all got so enthusiastic that she started crying. Way to go, mommy! She's been going on lots of walks with mommy, and looooooves snuggling with Daddy. She shows off for Matt, and always goes in for snuggles and kisses before faking him out and grabbing his glasses. He falls for it every time!
We (Mommy, Matthew, and Ivy) went out for brunch on Sunday morning with my parents, Michael's parents, and his friend Jeremy. So many grandmas and grandpas! She wore the jumper and hat her great-grandma made for her, and sat like a "big girl" in her high chair. We love our Ivy Mae!

2009-02-24T08:04:00.000-08:00

With nuk, and sans nuk.

Ivy rediscovered her nuk this morning. YAY! She's bounce-bouncing in her ExerSaucer and nom nom nommming on it, while watching Sesame Street. I'm getting lots of smiles. Hey...Snuffleupagus is on! Rock. I love Snuffy. Do people know he's not imaginary now? Uh oh...Snuffy accidently sold Radar, Big Bird's bear, to The Count...heartbreaking!
Yesterday was a Monday, in every sense of the word. I had wine the night before while watching le Oscars, and...

Oh no. The Count gave away Radar to a monster. This is not good.

Anyway, me+alcohol=next day depression. I know this. I mean, I thought I did. I didn't think about it Sunday night. Yesterday I found myself paralyzed with fear/emptiness, trying to care for a cantankerous baby with a cold and staring down a house that looked like a tornado had hit it. The poor little girl had been up since five, so she was exhausted but wouldn't sleep. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. It was one of those days where you feel like you're drowning in your life, and are powerless to affect any change in it. This isn't true, obviously. It was a hard day and everyone has them, and it's ok. When I have hard days, one of the worst things I tend to do it beat myself up endlessly for it, making it ten times worse than it has to be. I was worn out by my sick kid, therefore I'm a terrible mother. I didn't clean anything, therefore everyone who lives with me will hate me because I'm obviously lazy. I didn't do schoolwork, so I'm never going finish my degree. I felt alone yesterday, therefore GOD HAS FORSAKEN ME! (have you taken out the violins yet?) Those are some pretty harsh standards to live under...if I was that hard on someone I love, I wouldn't be a very good friend. But I treat myself like that all the time.

Ivy is dangling her bunny on the ground and just discovered what happens when she lets go...no more bunny. :( Mama can fix that, at least.

Oh, Big Bird got Radar back. Whew.

Dear Girlmanac: Easy Targets

2009-02-11T06:46:00.000-08:00

Good day, fellow crewmembers on Spaceship Earth! Well, it's Hump Day, Babymanac is spitting at me, and I've had three cups of coffee. Squeeee! Today we focus on 'Easy Targets,' or people whom we shouldn't really make fun of because they aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but we're going to anyway because it's MY BLOG, DAMMIT. To paraphrase a favorite blog of Girlmanac's: spare the snark, spoil the morons.

Dear Girlmanac,
I make an effort to show compassion and love to everyone I know. However, there is a woman in my life whom I SIMPLY CANNOT STAND. She's insincere, annoying, shrill, and I try to avoid her, but she's EVERYWHERE! How do I overcome the fiery hot rage I feel every time I see or hear about her?

Fuming in Falcon Heights

Dear Fuming,
Boy, do I hear what you're singing, turtledove! And I must add that you really don't have to be anonymous with me; I ALSO hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck. You're right, of course: she's so insincere butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. (I don't know what this expression means, but I heard it one time and I enjoy using it.) It IS difficult to avoid Ms. H.Beck; she's everywhere! The webs are filled with her smirky face, her grating soundbites, and her chirpy regurgitated "opinions" on everything from politics to parenting, which are often tied together.
The grim reality, Fuming, is that whatever you think of her opinions, she rakes in money for the network, and she isn't going anywhere. It's insulting that the lone conservative voice on the View is so uninformed and inarticulate: not ALL conservative women are morons, but we get them shoved down our throat regularly, from Hasselbeck to Sarah Palin to Ann Coulter. (It could be argued that Ann Coulter is not a moron, and in fact she really isn't. She's just despicable, so she is lumped into my Ball of Fury, which is possibly not fair, but again, MY BLOG.)
The only thing to do, darling, is turn off your TV! This is what Girlmanac has done. Sorry, Whoopi and Joy: I love you, but I can't support your co-host. When Girlmanac doesn't particularly care for someone, she pretends they don't exist, and this is the best advice I can offer about Ms. Hasselbeck. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, is my motto. She will someday fade away into obscurity. Until then, I leave some of her gems for your catharsis:

Dear Girlmanac,
I live on a residential street in Minneapolis, and I'm confused about how public santitation works. For instance, when I clean out my car, I just throw the trash on the street, because what else would I do with it, right? Also, I put garbage in the alley behind my garage. I have a sneaking suspicion that the world might be my own personal toilet! Do you think it is?

Trashy on Taylor

Dear Trashy,
I hate to get all Judgy McJudgerton on you, but you are actually not good at being a person. I'm not saying you're a bad person, per se, but you are simply not skilled at being a human being. Also, you have disgusting practices. See what I did there? I didn't imply that your character is disgusting, merely that you were obviously raised in a shed, because to be raised in a barn you would at least know where your shit goes. Here are some tips for self-improvement:
1. Purchase some trash bags from your local merchant. If you can't afford trashbags, fear not! They actually give bags away for free when you buy groceries! This is an insane concept, I know. But really, I'm not yanking yer chain! It's true!
2. Place waste products (not poop) in bags. When they are filled, place them in the dumpsters behind your house! A person in a truck will come and take them away for you. It's gloriously easy!
3. If you have waste product that is recyclable, these go in separate containers. You see, technology is such now that you can...you know what? Let's save that lesson for next week. Baby steps!

Dear Girlmanac,
I think it is a good idea to give people nicknames. That way, they feel that you like them, and all you had to do was come up with a goofy name for them! However, I'm running out of ideas, and I think I need a system for this. Do you have any ideas?

Namin' in Northfield

Dear Namin',
Nicknaming people is one of my favorite pastimes! I must caution you, however: do not give people nicknames whom you don't like. It's too much to remember, and a waste of time.
Here is a sure-fire and popular way of nicknaming people: take the first initial of their first name, and the first syllable of their last name. Voila! You have a nickname! Examples:

Todd Springer= T-Spring
Kelli McLeod= K-Mac
Laura Geislinger= L-Geis

But what if you have a friend whose last name is one syllable? You get creative!
Ivy Mae Schwartz= I-Schwazz
OR, you take the first letter of their first name and simply add a silly word to the end of it.

From above:
T-Rex
K-Sauce
L-Crunch

I also like the suffixes -Chicken, -Attack, -Town, and -Factor.

This is a no-fail plan for nicknaming. You're welcome!

GIRLMANAC!

Ask Girlmanac: Your Burning Questions are Flames...On The Sides of My Face...

2009-01-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

Another day, another opportunity to enlighten my dear readers with my sage wisdom.

Dear Girlmanac,
I'm what's known as a "hipster." I'm weighing the pros and cons of wearing camouflage hotpants in public. What do you think?

Uppity in Uptown

Dear Uppity,
Thanks in advance for your candor and willingness to share your fashion insecurity on the intertubes. (For those of you unfamiliar with Uppity's terminology, "hotpants" are very short-short shorts.) And in answer to your question:
NO NO NO NEVER EVER EVER.
I don't care if you have the gams of Betty Grable. Or Neko Case, to speak your language. First of all, it is January in Minnesota. There should be pants on your stems AT ALL TIMES, and if you MUST go pantsless, please wear some heavy cabled tights. I understand this doesn't always "jive" with your "mojo," or whatever the kids are saying nowadays. I'm sorry, but I really must be a Prissy Patty on this subject. PANTS. Live it. Love it. Learn it.
Also, wearing thigh-nigh boots probably help with the warmth issue, but they still necessitate you wearing SHORTS IN THE WINTER. If you are in the comfort of your own home playing some crazy sex game that involves rollerskates and an order pad while attending to your partner's "car" under an "awning" while you crack chewing gum in your non-existent jowels and take his or her "order," then by all means, rock the hotpants. Alternatively, if you are a Roller Girl and are skating in a bout, by all means, wear hotpants. Either way, hotpants really should involve rollerskates. Otherwise, please do not assault my eyeballs in public.

Love,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
While in a single-toilet public restroom the other day, I discovered that the person before me had dropped the log fantastic and had not flushed. When I tried to flush, the toilet became clogged. I was so embarrassed! How do I leave the restroom without the whole establishment thinking I had committed the crime???

Humiliated in Ham Lake

Dear Humliated,
I particularly appreciate this question, because it serves as a useful public service announcement. Namely, put a little love in your heart, people! Either don't poo in public (best option) or try to unclog it! Don't leave it for a sista to deal with; that's just bad form. Second, if you are the victim of a Stealth Poo, you have two options. First, you can leave the restroom and loudly say, "Whoa! Someone took a huge dump in there and it WAS NOT ME, and now the toilet won't flush!" Or, you can just leave. Might be your best option right there.
Really, everyone: Take responsibility for your bodily functions.

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I am confused about birth control. I hear you are an expert. I keep switching my methods, and can't decide on one I like! What do you recommend?

Sexin' in Stillwater

Dear Sexin',
You're right! I am indeed an expert on birth control, and have been referred to by several anonymous people as a "Fertile Myrtle." I count myself lucky in one sense; I most likely will not have to worry about conceiving again in the future. On the other hand, birth control is no joke for folks like me. We will get pregnant if you breathe on us. SO. First of all, STOP SWITCHING BIRTH CONTROL. This results in babies. Trust me on this one. Also, it will mess up your hormones. But again, babies. Will. Result. Second, get an IUD. They last for five years, are just about fool-proof, (and I'm a fool, so I should know) and take no remembering or work at all on your part. Go to the doctor, and he or she will insert this tiny one-inch Miracle into your Uterus. You may or may not feel a slight pinch, (I didn't) and you may or may not have some menstrual-like cramps afterwards, (I did) but it's what works for me! I know you've heard all about the Big Bad IUD's of the 80's and 90's, but those IUD's have been taken off the market and sold to third world countries in Africa, so no worries! The New American IUD's are plastic and tiny and don't cause endometriosis or cancer. Or babies.

Sex it up!

Girlmanac

Fun like of the day

I normally hate Nip/Tuck, but Jennifer Coolidge showboated her way into my heart this week.

Ask Girlmanac: The Return

2009-01-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

Hello, Alert Readers! Apologies from Girlmanac HQ...I have been remiss in posting as of late, but the holidays/angst/mommying has gotten in the way of my mailbag. But, we're back, and like the '80's, better than ever! So let's get down to it, shall we?

Dear Girlmanac,
I am a pedestrian who frequents an area of Minneapolis informally referred to as "Seven Corners." I am vaguely aware of the existence of pedestrian traffic laws, but honestly, I don't understand them. I don't really get what all these colored lights mean, nor do I understand the "symbols" I encounter at said lights. And really, aren't pedestrian laws more like "unwritten customs"? I don't really need to follow them, right?

Wranglingly,
Strolling in Seven Corners

Dear Strolling,
Ah, yes. YOU. I know you. I see you often while driving with Babymanac. I will sometimes comment to her about how I wouldn't mind schmucking you with my car, were it not verboten in the sense that it would constitute vehicular manslaughter, and really, who needs that on their record? Not this girl.
So for the sake of keeping everyone safe and free from the roiling rage one might feel while watching you JAYWALK ALL THE FUCK OVER CHRISTENDOM, I will now do a mini-tutorial on the Etiquette of Traffic Lights:

1. a "Red" light means, "Don't walk, you simpering moron, because there are cars coming, as THEY HAVE A GREEN "AS IN GO" LIGHT. You may also note the red "DON'T WALK" signal, located underneath the red light.
2. A "green" light MAY mean "walk," but hey! Make sure you also look at the lane of cars next to you, for they may be turning. It is best to walk when there is
3. A WHITE PERSON-SHAPED SYMBOL. It will be solid, not flashing.

Hope this helps you not die! :)

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I've been feeling this free-floating, intense anxiet for the past several weeks. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my palms are constantly sweaty, and my mind is always racing. My baby is growing teeth, and I'm behind in my graduate classes...HELP!

Blargh,

Tweeking on Taylor

Dear Tweeking,
Dollface, you have what I like to refer to as "White Girl Ennui." There are several steps you can take to relieve the stress of being white, educated, and privileged. To expand:

1. Suck it up.
2. Chill the fuck out.
3. Get someone to take your baby for one or two days a week.
4. Do a lot of yoga.
5. Have as much sex as possible.
6. Remind yourself that you love your child more than life itself, and you're doing the best you can.
7. Thank the Higher Power Of Your Choosing for everything you've got, you ungrateful wench!
8. Ignore mothers who say they have it all figured out and it's easy. These people are unlikeable and will be punished by God.

Happy Homemaking!

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I really want some specific things for Valentine's Day, but I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. I want him to make me a mix tape, because I've never gotten one, but you can't really "ask" for something like that, right? Also, I want this pair of earrings I saw...I feel like Valentine's Day is one of those holidays where you shouldn't expect anything because it isn't a "real" holiday. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Stymied in St. Paul

Dear Stymied,
You're right: Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday. You shouldn't expect anything. However, we have unfortunately been trapped into feeling like Big Jerks if we don't do something special for our significant others, because at the end of the day, you really shouldn't NEED an excuse to do something special and thoughtful for your significant other. Has it occurred to you that you may not be the "mix CD" type? That your beauty simply doesn't invoke men to make mix tapes/CD's for you? This is a sad fact, but one you may have to come to terms with. If you're almost 30, and no one has ever made a mix CD for you, maybe it's time to get the net, as it were. Also, if I know you, and I feel like I do, someone in your life has probably already taken all the good songs and put them into mix CD's for THEIR significant other, so you'd just have sloppy seconds on the mix CD's and be forced to think of these OTHER people, instead of you and YOUR significant other. Not that this has ever happened to me. It's just something to think about.
But the earrings? Good idea. And if you want a mix CD, I can make one for you. :)

Girlmanac

Today's Special Link

Ask Girlmanac: Girl must be PMSing!

2008-10-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, babies! It's been a tragic week here at Girlmanac HQ. Our mascot and best friend, Dogmanac, has gone to that squirrel-filled meadow in the sky. We are heartbroken, but must continue with him only in spirit as our guardian angel dog. I raise my 40 to you, Dogmanac: One for me, one for my doggie. He always sat on my feet to keep them warm as I wrote to you from my mailbag.

*Tear*

Okay! Our first letter comes from an alert reader, who is obviously a heavy girl with heavy problems.

Dear Girlmanac,
Every girl has a hidden VAGenda. What's yours?

Vaginal in Vadnais Heights

Dear Vadge,
It's almost as if you're a sista from another mista! OF COURSE Girlmanac has a hidden vagenda; it's what I LIVE for. Since we seem to be such kindred spirits, let reveal a few of my secret thoughts.

1. Find Sarah Palin and MAKE HER BE MY MOM. Then get pregnant, then get something that rhymes with "schmaschmortion,' and then go on the View, mainly so I will have an opportunity to throat-punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
2. Stage a musical version of The Vagina Monologues starring Noah Warren and his alter egos Sir Elton John, Macy Gray, Tina Turner, and Anneka Anderson. Sell tickets and write a check from the proceeds to the St.Olaf Alumni Fund, but while presenting it yell, "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" and run with it to the nearest bank that conains a checking account belonging to me.
3. Tell Brian Kennedy that I'm going on the Master Cleanse, create a fake blog about it and how easy it is and how wonderful I feel, and post fake pictures of things that come out of me while on the cleanse, like paper clips, a crack pipe, and a Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper sticker.

Those are just a FEW of my thoughts, darling. Ah, someday I will dictate a memoir to someone to write for me, and there all will be revealed. For now, I predict a Girlmanac/Warren presidential ticket in 2012.

Praise Christ,

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,

Do you believe in the Hotness Monster? Some people say it is fake, but I don't believe that.

Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bryn Mawr

Dear Bewildered,
I've gone back and forth on this one. Normally, I don't believe in monsters. However, when I first saw your question, I read "HotMESS Monster," instead of "HotNESS Monster," and let me tell you, I really DO believe that our society is currently plagued by a "Hot Mess Monster," whether literally or figuratively speaking. Not only that, Girlmanac feels sincerely that she herself has lived with the Hot Mess Monster for most of her 29 er 25 years.
You see, Bewildered, whenever there is alcohol, hormones, men, hormones, and sleep deprivation, there is the Hot Mess Monster. Add in there psychotropic medication, and let steep for a few hours, and you have a HOT TRANNY MESS UP IN HERE. A few famous folks who have been visited by the Hot Mess Monster include:

1. This one.
2. This one.
3. Also, this gal.
4. And finally, this gal.

As for the Hotness Monster, I can only speculate. Although Girlmanac DOES seem cuter and more charming to herself after several Cosmos...

Ask Girlmanac: Girlmanac Gets Politicky!

2008-10-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

Good day to you, Knights and Ladies of Rodanthe! Haha, just a little film humor there, because I have just returned from watching "Nights in Rodanthe," starring the dreeeeeaaaamy Richard Gere and the even dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaamier Diane Lane! What a film!

Just kidding. Girlmanac would never see that movie.

ANY-poo, my long absence can be attributed to many factors, brothers and sisters. First, it was Girlmanac's birthday, and she likes to get CRUNK. Second, it was a very good week on The View. That Elisabeth Hasselbeck! What a scamp! Cute as a button, to boot! Am I right? Third, Girlmanac's Pseudo-inlaws and parents were here this weekend, so Girlmanac was busy entertaining, gossiping with her mother, Womanac. Fourthly, Girlmanac had too much red wine last evening and embarrassed herself over said wine and possibly committed several or more social gaffes. Whew! I'm exhausted! So we have several letters from the mailbag to get to today; let's dive in, cause my vodka straight isn't getting less watered down!

Dear Girlmanac,
Is it possible to spin an Oriental person around so much that they become dis-oriented? AND WHAT GIVES when it comes to the price of pickled pepper packs? I mean sheesh!

PO'd in Prior Lake

Dear PO'd,
First of all, we don't call them "Orientals," anymore. That's racist. We call them "Mulattos from the Island of Mulatto." Perhaps you know someone like this. Second of all, they do not get disoriented because they have built-in compasses which update every half-second to tell them where they are, and get the latest scores of the baseball match. These chips also give them the ability to read minds and do lighting-fast linear equations. And we wonder why America is having a "brain drain"!

As for the Pickled Peppers, I asked my dear friend, and the father of Babymanac, who also happens to manage a high-end grocery store, why these little delicacies are in such high demand right now. He said the only explanation he could see was they were constantly being snapped up by a "Mulatto fellow" as soon as the shipment could get stocked.

Methinks you already know the answer, PO'd. Mayhaps a bit of soul-searching or food journalling could clarify things for you.

Best,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I am the founder of MAABA, Mothers Against the Advancement of Bear Astronauts. Would you care to donate some of your time to our organization? We are highjacking a Planned Parenthood and using it as our base of operations to perform mass bear abortions. We wantAHHHHH! My toaster is bi-racial!

Stymied in St. Paul

Dear Stymied,
Dearheart, your battle cry has been heard, and while Girlmanac loves nothing more than to donate her time to worthy causes, and she has visited Planned Parenthood five or six times, I simply can't squeeze one more volunteer hour into my schedule. And as for your toaster, let me just say this: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T TEACH ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION TO OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!! Whew. My apologies. Girlmanac doesn't like to get overtly political, but sometimes enough is enough!

Smoochies,
Girlmanac

Ask Girlmanac!

2008-09-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, so many inquiring minds today, Readers and Readerettes! Let me crack open my Diet Coke...and grab a cupcake...and let's get started!!!

Dear Girlmanac,
Can one ever truly cancel their appointment with heartbreak? Why must we always rendezvous with reality??? Please eat me.

Yours,
Broken in Bass Lake

Dear Bass Lake,
Love, the fact of the matter is, you can only cancel your appointment with heartbreak if you give 24-hour notice, or they charge the full amount!!! I agree, it's the sad state of healthcare in this country that's to blame.
I guess the real question, Bass, is "Why do you want to cancel?" I say, send out your RSVP and get the ball rolling! A college professor of mine once said, "Perhaps you should be in The Boys Next Door...the character is kind of a big guy, and likes donuts." And I think in this situation, Bass Lake, you need to go "next door" and get a big ol' heaping plate of Heartbreak Holes. Start eating!

Hungrily yours,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
A good friend of mine sure knows how to "KEEP THE LADIES." However, whenever I attempt this endeavor, they always manage to escape my meat locker freezer. HELP!!!

Yours,
Longing in Lakeville

Dear Longing,

I hear you loud and clear, sister friend! Here is what I have found to be helpful in trapping my victims I mean dates:

1. Make sure they are incapacitated BEFORE you get them in the freezer. That way, it's really just a matter of moving them to their proper stall.
2. DO NOT stab them with a pen; I've found this to be much too messy, and at the end of the evening when you're ready for bed, who wants to bother with all the cleanup? Simply use roofies; lots of them. Put them in BOTH of your drinks, that way when the police show up, you have an air-tight alibi. You were drugged! How could you know what you were doing?
3. Let them leave only if A.) They like the "A Team," and B) if they ask specifically for a "Jameson" when ordering whiskey.

Happy Hunting!

Dear Girlmanac,
Gun To Your Head: Will You Practice Mormonism or Scientology? Pop quiz, hotshot. What's it gonna be?

BTW: www.mormonsexposed.com
BBTW: John Travolta? More like John TraVOLTING!!

Yours,
Wondering in Wausau

Dear Wondering,
What an excellent and interesting question! After much thought, I'm going to have to go with Mormonism. Bill Paxton is SOOO dreamy on that polygamy show, and as I would MOS DEF be the First Wife, I'd get to boss around Nikki and Margie all the time! And there would be all kinds of intrigue with the nearby rogue sect! And my parents-in-law would be the mom from Twin Peaks and Bruce Dern!
However, let me say that Scientology is a highly-respected and strong religion, giving comfort to thousands of rich people, sociopaths, and rich sociopaths all over the globe! You can't argue with success, people.

Ask Girlmanac

2008-09-24T20:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Girlmanac,
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...

Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder

Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!

Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.

Beer me!

Dear Girlmanac,

I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.

LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.

Dear Brian,

GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.

Kisses,

Girlmanac

The Old Sesame Street

2008-09-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

Loved it.
Sesame Street, is, sadly, not the same as it was. So in remembrance, I'd like to take you back through the Mists Of Time, to a simpler place and better Muppets.

Enjoy.

Ask Girlmanac!

2008-09-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Girlmanac,
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?

Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota

Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!

Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!

-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta

Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.

Happy Mommying!

Sarah Palin will never decide the contents of my uterus.

2008-08-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

Since this isn't a real news source, I can TOTALLY link to Wikipedia, y'all! Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that John McCain chose Ms. Palin by this thought process: "She's a woman! And a lot of those people wanted a woman president! So this will appease the woman for president people! She's a Republican and she's a woman! Women are so hot right now! Women." Because I know that I, for one, am a huge fan of Hillary, but I'm a woman, and as long as there's another vagina on the ticket, that's what matters. Cause women be shoppin'! She's also, apparently, a member of Assemblies of God. Just what I was hoping for! Someone who will stand up for "traditional family values"! Load off my mind.

Aw geez, you guys...she just really sucks.

Moe Rocca can bring it home for ya.

I am a mean person, and Eva Mendes is a moron.

2008-08-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever encounter those people in your life whom you have no good reason to dislike, and you know that by disliking them you are automatically a bitch? You wish you could fire them from your consciousness, since they seem to take up residence with no regard to your mental health, but since they're not actually your friend, and (again)you have no sane/mature/emotionally viable reason to dislike them, you're kind of stuck with them?

FUCK. I feel like a mean, petty, heinous, bee-ya-HOTCH, but I sometimes fantasize about taking a baseball bat to this person's car and/or face. I've also noticed that I have a blackly comic preference for the baseball-bat-to-the-windshield fantasy. I've never once in my life committed violence against another person, with the exception of sophomore year of college when I threw a shoe at my (ahem) boyfriend's head. (For the record, of course he deserved it!) I'm not an angry or vicious person, and fortunately would never dream of actually using a baseball bat on anyone. I would perhaps instead simply slash his or her tires.

ANY-crap, in the Celebrity BS category, today I read from WENN news (always a totally reliable source, because it's on the internets, y'all!) that Eva Mendes is "totally proud" of her nekkid ads for Calvin Klein, because, like, it's totally art and stuff! The ads were too racy to air in the US or on the internet, but have been run in the UK and other European countries. My question is this: What, exactly, are you "proud" of, Eva? Like you're such a brave and cutting-edge artist and it took real courage to take your clothes off for millions of dollars and be shown completely airbrushed over in a countries where you do not live? Or are you proud of contributing to the glut and gross oversaturation of using women as sex objects to sell shit? For the record, shut the fuck up. And, because I'm in an extra-special cranky mood, you are required to watch this: (you'll love it)

Full disclosure: Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty is a nice idea, but I have to point out the Dove is owned by Unilever, a gigantic company that sells LOTS of products that DO NOT serve women. Dove is not a non-profit division of Unilever; therefore, the Campaign For Real Beauty is still a marketing tool to sell more products, albeit one that appeals to an increasing demand for healthy media images for young girls. But take it as a cool video! Because I'm just being super-misanthropic today! In fact, you could call me Miss Anthropic! YOINK!

Whew, I thought I was getting soft...

2008-08-26T08:51:00.001-07:00

I am thrilled beyond reason to report that I can go back to hating Paris Hilton. I don't care HOW much self-winky winky you can muster, if you are schlocking horrifically terrifying fake hair under the endorsement, "That's hot," then I'm sorry, I can't do anything for you. It's a shame, too, because Paris and I had a whole tutoring schedule set up and everything. I would teach her how to read, and she would teach me about tanning. Alas, I don't think our relationship can continue; I just can't teach someone I don't respect.

And now for something completely unrelated, did anyone catch the Democratic National Convention last night? I didn't, but I scurried around the ol' Information Super-Highway (it's really just a series of tubes, is what it is) and watched as much video from the convention as I could find. So if you didn't catch Senator Kennedy's speech, please watch now. It's pretty good.

Finally, you may or may not know my affinity for baby elephants. So here it is: I LOVE BABY ELEPHANTS! Which is why this is EXTREMELY HEARTBREAKING!

Happy Tuesday.

Lookin' For My Outlaw Shaker Of Salt...**

2008-08-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

That's the lyrics, right? I don't really know, I'm just guessing, because that's what it sounds like. **I have just been informed that these are actually NOT the lyrics to the song, that the lyrics are "Looking for my LOST shaker of salt." As my friend Amber points out, "Outlaw is way better. That outlaw shaker of salt! Always bursting in and overseasoning things!"

Okay, I'm not implying anything untoward by this, but...don't you think John McCain looks an awful lot like Jimmy Buffet? I mean...I'm not convinced they are not the same person.

Basically what I'm saying is, if he IS, in fact, Jimmy Buffet, he should just say that. And he should tell his wife. Anyone who is Jimmy Buffet should really let his spouse know his identity, especially if he's calling himself "John McCain" and running for president. I'm just sayin'.

Gwen, why must you hurt me?

2008-08-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've ranted about this many a time, but FOR THE LOVE OF TINY BUNNIES, WHY must celebrities continue to give their children horrible, mock-inducing, psychologically abusive names? I point my accusatory finger at you, Gwen Stefani. Sure, you have a husband and I'm sure he had an opinion and whatever, but I KNOW that you are the mastermind behind this evil, evil, deed. In the words of my friend Amber, "They just need to throw a "Dakota" in there, it would be perfect. And then I would never stop vomiting."

Vomiting, indeed. Let's all welcome ZUMA NESTA ROCK ROSSDALE to the world.

This is a disease, and must be stopped. INOCCULATE YOURSELVES!!! Join me in the fight against pretentious and megalomaniacal names! Together, we can end the destructive reign of terror celebrities have gripped us with everytime one of them sprouts a baby bump.

From CNN via The Huffington Post, filed by me under Things That Shouldn't Surprise You, we're being watched! Or rather, cyberwarfare is on the rise and this is what it may look like.

Finally, the Great Minnesota Get Together is in full swing, so get out there and enjoy looking at the big hair, feed caps, and mom jeans. And please, be sure to eat Something On A Stick, or you will inevitably be asked, "You didn't try (fill in blank with totally inappropriately fried item) on a stick?!" You will get a similar reaction if you don't eat twenty-five Sweet Martha's Cookies with milk. I know, I sound like a total curmudgeon, but I feel the same way about the State Fair that I feel about Garrison Keillor: depending on my mood I find it's schtick alternately charming and really irritating. I mean, I AM going to see the baby animals, so my heart isn't completely made of tarry black matter.

PS, WHO ARE THE VEEP CANDIDATES???? Barack, don't hold out on me, my love.

Take THAT, Enterprising Little Girls!

2008-08-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

This from www.jezebel.com:

With the rate of white-collar financial crime these days, it's no wonder we're shutting down these bitches at the source: their Roadside Black Market Vegetable Stand. Kate and Sabrina Lewis, sisters from Clayton, California, got the big F-You from local law enforcement when they were shut down this week. Apparently, the fuzz was worried that selling vegetables from their little home garden would lead to bigger and more sinister taxable incomes. Just check it out, and don't forget the sweet bonus of the Lemonade Stand game.

http://www.reason.com/blog/show/128212.html

Also, this is the best thing that's happened to us this week:

Loves it!

2008-08-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

My my, life is funny sometimes. Last week I was an average 28-year-old, being snobby about pop culture and yet obsessed with it, of which a pre-requisite is Hating Paris Hilton. I'm not saying she's my new BFF, but Let me just say that self-awareness goes a long way in making me like you. If getting me to like you is one of your goals. In which case, you also need to bring a case of Diet Coke, (cans, not bottles!), those cheese crack sandwich thingies, some mid-priced vodka, and know about Hollywood musicals. I DIGRESS. Ms. Hilton has never impressed me as being particularly well-versed in politics, or well-versed in anything else for that matter, but gosh darn it if she hasn't risen in my esteem after this gem from Funny or Die:

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

And for those of you keeping track, (read: Me, my Mom.) my fourth 25th birthday is coming up next month. Besides world peace and a Reese's Peanut Butter Anatomically Correct Replica of Christian Bale, I only want one thing: For Mr. Noah Warren to perform at my birthday party. But what will Mr. Warren, the consumate Showboat, perform, you may ask? Wonder no more:

HEY!

The Church of Liza

2008-08-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

I became a showboat the first time I saw "Singin' in the Rain." Something about Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Connor, and GENE KELLY!! tapping in a living room on top of furniture and singing "Good Morning" to each other sparked MY SOUL, people, MY SOUL. I remember immediately putting on Mary Janes and climbing on our kitchen table performing my own version of "Good Morning," and tap-dancing. I wager my parents would argue that my thrill for performance came earlier than that, but that's my earliest memory.

No matter where I'm at in my life, my favorite-est to be is in the middle of a stage with a spotlight on me. Either that's really immature or...yeah, it's probably really immature. But I'm all about honoring the showboat in myself, and today's tribute is to the Showboat Princess of the World, Mizz Liza (With a Z!) Minelli. The Queen being, of course, her mother. This video will make your day, and captures the exact essence of what makes me happy...although I suspect Liza was doing a lot of coke here. But still, bon appetit!

Shun the Non-Believer! Shhhhuuuuunnnnnn!

2008-08-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've overhauled Old Girlmanac into the New and Improved Girlmanac! Now with Better Science and Techology! With knobs for turning, and adjusting!

But seriously.

To kick off my inaugural Post, I'd like to open with this little gem that's come across my desk, from the twisted mind of Secret Agent Bob. Special thanks to Jeremiah and Todd for bringing this to my attention and making my life much better than it was before.

Goin' Fishing.

2007-05-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

My grandma went fishing with her best friend, Marvella, the other day. She goes fishing often, in every season. In the winter, she gets my Uncle Gordy to set up the ice house for her. He always says, "You want me to stay, Ma?" And she says, "Only if you're going to fish!"
Grandma was born in 1923 on a kitchen table a mile and a half from where she currently lives. If you follow Highway 9 out of Rock Rapids, take a right turn to George on Kennedy Avenue, then take a right at Johnson's farm, you can still see the old place. I'm sad every time I drive past it, because the house is gone, and there's nothing left except a gravel drive and a mailbox that says "Eberline." The grove (if you aren't from farm country, every farm has a grove of trees surrounding the homestead) is nearly dead, tangled and black. The house that used to sit to the left of the drive was beautiful; a skinny two-story with a pointy roof, dormer windows, and lacy porches. Blue and red stained glass doors, heavily flourished with details, sat sentinel at the "parlor" entrance, which no one ever used. If you were a visitor to the house, you were automatically a friend and came through the kitchen entrance.
When Gram went into the nursing home in 1987, literally kicking and screaming after wrecking her 1963 green Plymouth, the house sat empty of people, but filled with her things. Grandma Simdorn came every week to clean, even though Gramma Lilli was never coming home. When Lilli died in 1994, we had a family auction for her things, and the house became a ghost, empty and withering until 2003, when they finally tore it down. I always wished someone would have bought it and kept up the farm, but everything's gone now, including the barn, garage, and the ancient see-saw outside the big living room windows. The farmers who rent the land from my grandma plowed over the grass and planted beans there.
After Grandma was born, Lilli couldn't have any more kids, so she adopted them. I mean, she literally took in kids in the county that no one wanted. Over the years, she fostered several baby girls and boys, and officially adopted Clinton in 1930. Grandma went to live "in town" with her grandparents for high school, and it was on the streets of George she met my Grandpa in 1939. Grandpa Russ was a farmer, working for his aunt and uncle, and never finished the eighth grade. He was handsome and funny, and always causing trouble, but never getting caught. He didn't speak a word of English until he was 14, because in rural Iowa in the early part of the century, the farmers spoke Low German, an unwritten dialect brought from the poor fifedoms on the outskirts of Bern, Frankfurt, Berlin, and Munich. Until the day he died he scrambled English around to suit himself.
Grandma was one of the only people in her class to go to college, getting through by tutoring and "not eating on Sundays," because she only had enough food money for "six days in the week." She laughs now at how thin she was when she came home from college.
They married in 1944, renting the land they lived on until they could scrape together enough money to buy it. There was no money for groceries, so they ate what they grew. On Friday nights, there were shooting contests at the gun club, and the winner got a free bag of groceries. Lucky Grandpa Russ was a good shot. When Lora was born, then Allan, then Lila, they could feed everyone at dinner for seventeen cents: toast with meat on it, milk from the cow, vegetables from the garden. Everyone had one piece of toast except Grandpa, who got two.
Things got better, because as Grandmas says, "Persistence and determination are the keys to success." By the time tag-a-long Marla was born, the farm was prospering, with cows, chickens, pigs, geese, and even a horse. And so it went, as everyone grew and had kids of their own, and Grandma went back to teaching school. In 1988, Grandpa was out on the tractor when he collapsed, his body filled with three aneurysms: one in each leg and one on his aorta. I don't know how, but he survived. They spent the next 13 years travelling, to Germany, England, and of course, all over the US. Finally one morning in August 2001, a month before the whole world turned upside down, Grandpa collapsed during breakfast, finally at rest.
And so she's perservered alone since then, keeping busy, never showing her tears, and never admitting how lonely she is.
I don't remember Grandma Simdorn ever having a cold, and she had never been in the hospital until a month ago. I guess they call it a bowel obstruction, but whatever it was, it knocked her flat. It's always frightening to see someone you love sick, but we were worried; she'd never been sick before, and I think we all sort of viewed Grandma as indestructible. At least, I did.
So you can imagine my delight when I talked to her on the phone this week and she had been out fishing.
"We caught 22, and Marvella cleaned them, because I always drive the truck and the boat."
I wish I could see it...two old ladies sitting on the lake in an ancient fishing boat, hats on, lines cast, pulling up fish after fish.