Ask Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...

Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder


Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!

Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.

Beer me!


Dear Girlmanac,

I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.

LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.


Dear Brian,

GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.

Kisses,

Girlmanac

The Old Sesame Street

Loved it.
Sesame Street, is, sadly, not the same as it was. So in remembrance, I'd like to take you back through the Mists Of Time, to a simpler place and better Muppets.

Enjoy.

Ask Girlmanac!

Dear Girlmanac,
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?

Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota

Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!


Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!

-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta

Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.

Happy Mommying!

Sarah Palin will never decide the contents of my uterus.

Since this isn't a real news source, I can TOTALLY link to Wikipedia, y'all! Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that John McCain chose Ms. Palin by this thought process: "She's a woman! And a lot of those people wanted a woman president! So this will appease the woman for president people! She's a Republican and she's a woman! Women are so hot right now! Women." Because I know that I, for one, am a huge fan of Hillary, but I'm a woman, and as long as there's another vagina on the ticket, that's what matters. Cause women be shoppin'! She's also, apparently, a member of Assemblies of God. Just what I was hoping for! Someone who will stand up for "traditional family values"! Load off my mind.

Aw geez, you guys...she just really sucks.

Moe Rocca can bring it home for ya.

I am a mean person, and Eva Mendes is a moron.

Do you ever encounter those people in your life whom you have no good reason to dislike, and you know that by disliking them you are automatically a bitch? You wish you could fire them from your consciousness, since they seem to take up residence with no regard to your mental health, but since they're not actually your friend, and (again)you have no sane/mature/emotionally viable reason to dislike them, you're kind of stuck with them?

FUCK. I feel like a mean, petty, heinous, bee-ya-HOTCH, but I sometimes fantasize about taking a baseball bat to this person's car and/or face. I've also noticed that I have a blackly comic preference for the baseball-bat-to-the-windshield fantasy. I've never once in my life committed violence against another person, with the exception of sophomore year of college when I threw a shoe at my (ahem) boyfriend's head. (For the record, of course he deserved it!) I'm not an angry or vicious person, and fortunately would never dream of actually using a baseball bat on anyone. I would perhaps instead simply slash his or her tires.

ANY-crap, in the Celebrity BS category, today I read from WENN news (always a totally reliable source, because it's on the internets, y'all!) that Eva Mendes is "totally proud" of her nekkid ads for Calvin Klein, because, like, it's totally art and stuff! The ads were too racy to air in the US or on the internet, but have been run in the UK and other European countries. My question is this: What, exactly, are you "proud" of, Eva? Like you're such a brave and cutting-edge artist and it took real courage to take your clothes off for millions of dollars and be shown completely airbrushed over in a countries where you do not live? Or are you proud of contributing to the glut and gross oversaturation of using women as sex objects to sell shit? For the record, shut the fuck up. And, because I'm in an extra-special cranky mood, you are required to watch this: (you'll love it)



Full disclosure: Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty is a nice idea, but I have to point out the Dove is owned by Unilever, a gigantic company that sells LOTS of products that DO NOT serve women. Dove is not a non-profit division of Unilever; therefore, the Campaign For Real Beauty is still a marketing tool to sell more products, albeit one that appeals to an increasing demand for healthy media images for young girls. But take it as a cool video! Because I'm just being super-misanthropic today! In fact, you could call me Miss Anthropic! YOINK!

Whew, I thought I was getting soft...

I am thrilled beyond reason to report that I can go back to hating Paris Hilton. I don't care HOW much self-winky winky you can muster, if you are schlocking horrifically terrifying fake hair under the endorsement, "That's hot," then I'm sorry, I can't do anything for you. It's a shame, too, because Paris and I had a whole tutoring schedule set up and everything. I would teach her how to read, and she would teach me about tanning. Alas, I don't think our relationship can continue; I just can't teach someone I don't respect.

And now for something completely unrelated, did anyone catch the Democratic National Convention last night? I didn't, but I scurried around the ol' Information Super-Highway (it's really just a series of tubes, is what it is) and watched as much video from the convention as I could find. So if you didn't catch Senator Kennedy's speech, please watch now. It's pretty good.



Finally, you may or may not know my affinity for baby elephants. So here it is: I LOVE BABY ELEPHANTS! Which is why this is EXTREMELY HEARTBREAKING!



Happy Tuesday.

Lookin' For My Outlaw Shaker Of Salt...**

That's the lyrics, right? I don't really know, I'm just guessing, because that's what it sounds like. **I have just been informed that these are actually NOT the lyrics to the song, that the lyrics are "Looking for my LOST shaker of salt." As my friend Amber points out, "Outlaw is way better. That outlaw shaker of salt! Always bursting in and overseasoning things!"

Okay, I'm not implying anything untoward by this, but...don't you think John McCain looks an awful lot like Jimmy Buffet? I mean...I'm not convinced they are not the same person.




Basically what I'm saying is, if he IS, in fact, Jimmy Buffet, he should just say that. And he should tell his wife. Anyone who is Jimmy Buffet should really let his spouse know his identity, especially if he's calling himself "John McCain" and running for president. I'm just sayin'.