Hello, Alert Readers! Apologies from Girlmanac HQ...I have been remiss in posting as of late, but the holidays/angst/mommying has gotten in the way of my mailbag. But, we're back, and like the '80's, better than ever! So let's get down to it, shall we?
Dear Girlmanac,
I am a pedestrian who frequents an area of Minneapolis informally referred to as "Seven Corners." I am vaguely aware of the existence of pedestrian traffic laws, but honestly, I don't understand them. I don't really get what all these colored lights mean, nor do I understand the "symbols" I encounter at said lights. And really, aren't pedestrian laws more like "unwritten customs"? I don't really need to follow them, right?
Wranglingly,
Strolling in Seven Corners
Dear Strolling,
Ah, yes. YOU. I know you. I see you often while driving with Babymanac. I will sometimes comment to her about how I wouldn't mind schmucking you with my car, were it not verboten in the sense that it would constitute vehicular manslaughter, and really, who needs that on their record? Not this girl.
So for the sake of keeping everyone safe and free from the roiling rage one might feel while watching you JAYWALK ALL THE FUCK OVER CHRISTENDOM, I will now do a mini-tutorial on the Etiquette of Traffic Lights:
1. a "Red" light means, "Don't walk, you simpering moron, because there are cars coming, as THEY HAVE A GREEN "AS IN GO" LIGHT. You may also note the red "DON'T WALK" signal, located underneath the red light.
2. A "green" light MAY mean "walk," but hey! Make sure you also look at the lane of cars next to you, for they may be turning. It is best to walk when there is
3. A WHITE PERSON-SHAPED SYMBOL. It will be solid, not flashing.
Hope this helps you not die! :)
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
I've been feeling this free-floating, intense anxiet for the past several weeks. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my palms are constantly sweaty, and my mind is always racing. My baby is growing teeth, and I'm behind in my graduate classes...HELP!
Blargh,
Tweeking on Taylor
Dear Tweeking,
Dollface, you have what I like to refer to as "White Girl Ennui." There are several steps you can take to relieve the stress of being white, educated, and privileged. To expand:
1. Suck it up.
2. Chill the fuck out.
3. Get someone to take your baby for one or two days a week.
4. Do a lot of yoga.
5. Have as much sex as possible.
6. Remind yourself that you love your child more than life itself, and you're doing the best you can.
7. Thank the Higher Power Of Your Choosing for everything you've got, you ungrateful wench!
8. Ignore mothers who say they have it all figured out and it's easy. These people are unlikeable and will be punished by God.
Happy Homemaking!
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
I really want some specific things for Valentine's Day, but I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. I want him to make me a mix tape, because I've never gotten one, but you can't really "ask" for something like that, right? Also, I want this pair of earrings I saw...I feel like Valentine's Day is one of those holidays where you shouldn't expect anything because it isn't a "real" holiday. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Stymied in St. Paul
Dear Stymied,
You're right: Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday. You shouldn't expect anything. However, we have unfortunately been trapped into feeling like Big Jerks if we don't do something special for our significant others, because at the end of the day, you really shouldn't NEED an excuse to do something special and thoughtful for your significant other. Has it occurred to you that you may not be the "mix CD" type? That your beauty simply doesn't invoke men to make mix tapes/CD's for you? This is a sad fact, but one you may have to come to terms with. If you're almost 30, and no one has ever made a mix CD for you, maybe it's time to get the net, as it were. Also, if I know you, and I feel like I do, someone in your life has probably already taken all the good songs and put them into mix CD's for THEIR significant other, so you'd just have sloppy seconds on the mix CD's and be forced to think of these OTHER people, instead of you and YOUR significant other. Not that this has ever happened to me. It's just something to think about.
But the earrings? Good idea. And if you want a mix CD, I can make one for you. :)
Girlmanac
Today's Special Link
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Ask Girlmanac: Girl must be PMSing!
Hello, babies! It's been a tragic week here at Girlmanac HQ. Our mascot and best friend, Dogmanac, has gone to that squirrel-filled meadow in the sky. We are heartbroken, but must continue with him only in spirit as our guardian angel dog. I raise my 40 to you, Dogmanac: One for me, one for my doggie. He always sat on my feet to keep them warm as I wrote to you from my mailbag.
*Tear*
Okay! Our first letter comes from an alert reader, who is obviously a heavy girl with heavy problems.
Dear Girlmanac,
Every girl has a hidden VAGenda. What's yours?
Vaginal in Vadnais Heights
Dear Vadge,
It's almost as if you're a sista from another mista! OF COURSE Girlmanac has a hidden vagenda; it's what I LIVE for. Since we seem to be such kindred spirits, let reveal a few of my secret thoughts.
1. Find Sarah Palin and MAKE HER BE MY MOM. Then get pregnant, then get something that rhymes with "schmaschmortion,' and then go on the View, mainly so I will have an opportunity to throat-punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
2. Stage a musical version of The Vagina Monologues starring Noah Warren and his alter egos Sir Elton John, Macy Gray, Tina Turner, and Anneka Anderson. Sell tickets and write a check from the proceeds to the St.Olaf Alumni Fund, but while presenting it yell, "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" and run with it to the nearest bank that conains a checking account belonging to me.
3. Tell Brian Kennedy that I'm going on the Master Cleanse, create a fake blog about it and how easy it is and how wonderful I feel, and post fake pictures of things that come out of me while on the cleanse, like paper clips, a crack pipe, and a Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper sticker.
Those are just a FEW of my thoughts, darling. Ah, someday I will dictate a memoir to someone to write for me, and there all will be revealed. For now, I predict a Girlmanac/Warren presidential ticket in 2012.
Praise Christ,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
Do you believe in the Hotness Monster? Some people say it is fake, but I don't believe that.
Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bryn Mawr
Dear Bewildered,
I've gone back and forth on this one. Normally, I don't believe in monsters. However, when I first saw your question, I read "HotMESS Monster," instead of "HotNESS Monster," and let me tell you, I really DO believe that our society is currently plagued by a "Hot Mess Monster," whether literally or figuratively speaking. Not only that, Girlmanac feels sincerely that she herself has lived with the Hot Mess Monster for most of her 29 er 25 years.
You see, Bewildered, whenever there is alcohol, hormones, men, hormones, and sleep deprivation, there is the Hot Mess Monster. Add in there psychotropic medication, and let steep for a few hours, and you have a HOT TRANNY MESS UP IN HERE. A few famous folks who have been visited by the Hot Mess Monster include:
1. This one.
2. This one.
3. Also, this gal.
4. And finally, this gal.
As for the Hotness Monster, I can only speculate. Although Girlmanac DOES seem cuter and more charming to herself after several Cosmos...
*Tear*
Okay! Our first letter comes from an alert reader, who is obviously a heavy girl with heavy problems.
Dear Girlmanac,
Every girl has a hidden VAGenda. What's yours?
Vaginal in Vadnais Heights
Dear Vadge,
It's almost as if you're a sista from another mista! OF COURSE Girlmanac has a hidden vagenda; it's what I LIVE for. Since we seem to be such kindred spirits, let reveal a few of my secret thoughts.
1. Find Sarah Palin and MAKE HER BE MY MOM. Then get pregnant, then get something that rhymes with "schmaschmortion,' and then go on the View, mainly so I will have an opportunity to throat-punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
2. Stage a musical version of The Vagina Monologues starring Noah Warren and his alter egos Sir Elton John, Macy Gray, Tina Turner, and Anneka Anderson. Sell tickets and write a check from the proceeds to the St.Olaf Alumni Fund, but while presenting it yell, "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" and run with it to the nearest bank that conains a checking account belonging to me.
3. Tell Brian Kennedy that I'm going on the Master Cleanse, create a fake blog about it and how easy it is and how wonderful I feel, and post fake pictures of things that come out of me while on the cleanse, like paper clips, a crack pipe, and a Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper sticker.
Those are just a FEW of my thoughts, darling. Ah, someday I will dictate a memoir to someone to write for me, and there all will be revealed. For now, I predict a Girlmanac/Warren presidential ticket in 2012.
Praise Christ,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
Do you believe in the Hotness Monster? Some people say it is fake, but I don't believe that.
Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bryn Mawr
Dear Bewildered,
I've gone back and forth on this one. Normally, I don't believe in monsters. However, when I first saw your question, I read "HotMESS Monster," instead of "HotNESS Monster," and let me tell you, I really DO believe that our society is currently plagued by a "Hot Mess Monster," whether literally or figuratively speaking. Not only that, Girlmanac feels sincerely that she herself has lived with the Hot Mess Monster for most of her 29 er 25 years.
You see, Bewildered, whenever there is alcohol, hormones, men, hormones, and sleep deprivation, there is the Hot Mess Monster. Add in there psychotropic medication, and let steep for a few hours, and you have a HOT TRANNY MESS UP IN HERE. A few famous folks who have been visited by the Hot Mess Monster include:
1. This one.
2. This one.
3. Also, this gal.
4. And finally, this gal.
As for the Hotness Monster, I can only speculate. Although Girlmanac DOES seem cuter and more charming to herself after several Cosmos...
Monday, October 13, 2008
Ask Girlmanac: Girlmanac Gets Politicky!
Good day to you, Knights and Ladies of Rodanthe! Haha, just a little film humor there, because I have just returned from watching "Nights in Rodanthe," starring the dreeeeeaaaamy Richard Gere and the even dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaamier Diane Lane! What a film!
Just kidding. Girlmanac would never see that movie.
ANY-poo, my long absence can be attributed to many factors, brothers and sisters. First, it was Girlmanac's birthday, and she likes to get CRUNK. Second, it was a very good week on The View. That Elisabeth Hasselbeck! What a scamp! Cute as a button, to boot! Am I right? Third, Girlmanac's Pseudo-inlaws and parents were here this weekend, so Girlmanac was busy entertaining, gossiping with her mother, Womanac. Fourthly, Girlmanac had too much red wine last evening and embarrassed herself over said wine and possibly committed several or more social gaffes. Whew! I'm exhausted! So we have several letters from the mailbag to get to today; let's dive in, cause my vodka straight isn't getting less watered down!
Dear Girlmanac,
Is it possible to spin an Oriental person around so much that they become dis-oriented? AND WHAT GIVES when it comes to the price of pickled pepper packs? I mean sheesh!
PO'd in Prior Lake
Dear PO'd,
First of all, we don't call them "Orientals," anymore. That's racist. We call them "Mulattos from the Island of Mulatto." Perhaps you know someone like this. Second of all, they do not get disoriented because they have built-in compasses which update every half-second to tell them where they are, and get the latest scores of the baseball match. These chips also give them the ability to read minds and do lighting-fast linear equations. And we wonder why America is having a "brain drain"!
As for the Pickled Peppers, I asked my dear friend, and the father of Babymanac, who also happens to manage a high-end grocery store, why these little delicacies are in such high demand right now. He said the only explanation he could see was they were constantly being snapped up by a "Mulatto fellow" as soon as the shipment could get stocked.
Methinks you already know the answer, PO'd. Mayhaps a bit of soul-searching or food journalling could clarify things for you.
Best,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
I am the founder of MAABA, Mothers Against the Advancement of Bear Astronauts. Would you care to donate some of your time to our organization? We are highjacking a Planned Parenthood and using it as our base of operations to perform mass bear abortions. We wantAHHHHH! My toaster is bi-racial!
Stymied in St. Paul
Dear Stymied,
Dearheart, your battle cry has been heard, and while Girlmanac loves nothing more than to donate her time to worthy causes, and she has visited Planned Parenthood five or six times, I simply can't squeeze one more volunteer hour into my schedule. And as for your toaster, let me just say this: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T TEACH ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION TO OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!! Whew. My apologies. Girlmanac doesn't like to get overtly political, but sometimes enough is enough!
Smoochies,
Girlmanac
Just kidding. Girlmanac would never see that movie.
ANY-poo, my long absence can be attributed to many factors, brothers and sisters. First, it was Girlmanac's birthday, and she likes to get CRUNK. Second, it was a very good week on The View. That Elisabeth Hasselbeck! What a scamp! Cute as a button, to boot! Am I right? Third, Girlmanac's Pseudo-inlaws and parents were here this weekend, so Girlmanac was busy entertaining, gossiping with her mother, Womanac. Fourthly, Girlmanac had too much red wine last evening and embarrassed herself over said wine and possibly committed several or more social gaffes. Whew! I'm exhausted! So we have several letters from the mailbag to get to today; let's dive in, cause my vodka straight isn't getting less watered down!
Dear Girlmanac,
Is it possible to spin an Oriental person around so much that they become dis-oriented? AND WHAT GIVES when it comes to the price of pickled pepper packs? I mean sheesh!
PO'd in Prior Lake
Dear PO'd,
First of all, we don't call them "Orientals," anymore. That's racist. We call them "Mulattos from the Island of Mulatto." Perhaps you know someone like this. Second of all, they do not get disoriented because they have built-in compasses which update every half-second to tell them where they are, and get the latest scores of the baseball match. These chips also give them the ability to read minds and do lighting-fast linear equations. And we wonder why America is having a "brain drain"!
As for the Pickled Peppers, I asked my dear friend, and the father of Babymanac, who also happens to manage a high-end grocery store, why these little delicacies are in such high demand right now. He said the only explanation he could see was they were constantly being snapped up by a "Mulatto fellow" as soon as the shipment could get stocked.
Methinks you already know the answer, PO'd. Mayhaps a bit of soul-searching or food journalling could clarify things for you.
Best,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
I am the founder of MAABA, Mothers Against the Advancement of Bear Astronauts. Would you care to donate some of your time to our organization? We are highjacking a Planned Parenthood and using it as our base of operations to perform mass bear abortions. We wantAHHHHH! My toaster is bi-racial!
Stymied in St. Paul
Dear Stymied,
Dearheart, your battle cry has been heard, and while Girlmanac loves nothing more than to donate her time to worthy causes, and she has visited Planned Parenthood five or six times, I simply can't squeeze one more volunteer hour into my schedule. And as for your toaster, let me just say this: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T TEACH ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION TO OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!! Whew. My apologies. Girlmanac doesn't like to get overtly political, but sometimes enough is enough!
Smoochies,
Girlmanac
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ask Girlmanac!
Oh, so many inquiring minds today, Readers and Readerettes! Let me crack open my Diet Coke...and grab a cupcake...and let's get started!!!
Dear Girlmanac,
Can one ever truly cancel their appointment with heartbreak? Why must we always rendezvous with reality??? Please eat me.
Yours,
Broken in Bass Lake
Dear Bass Lake,
Love, the fact of the matter is, you can only cancel your appointment with heartbreak if you give 24-hour notice, or they charge the full amount!!! I agree, it's the sad state of healthcare in this country that's to blame.
I guess the real question, Bass, is "Why do you want to cancel?" I say, send out your RSVP and get the ball rolling! A college professor of mine once said, "Perhaps you should be in The Boys Next Door...the character is kind of a big guy, and likes donuts." And I think in this situation, Bass Lake, you need to go "next door" and get a big ol' heaping plate of Heartbreak Holes. Start eating!
Hungrily yours,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
A good friend of mine sure knows how to "KEEP THE LADIES." However, whenever I attempt this endeavor, they always manage to escape my meat locker freezer. HELP!!!
Yours,
Longing in Lakeville
Dear Longing,
I hear you loud and clear, sister friend! Here is what I have found to be helpful in trapping my victims I mean dates:
1. Make sure they are incapacitated BEFORE you get them in the freezer. That way, it's really just a matter of moving them to their proper stall.
2. DO NOT stab them with a pen; I've found this to be much too messy, and at the end of the evening when you're ready for bed, who wants to bother with all the cleanup? Simply use roofies; lots of them. Put them in BOTH of your drinks, that way when the police show up, you have an air-tight alibi. You were drugged! How could you know what you were doing?
3. Let them leave only if A.) They like the "A Team," and B) if they ask specifically for a "Jameson" when ordering whiskey.
Happy Hunting!
Dear Girlmanac,
Gun To Your Head: Will You Practice Mormonism or Scientology? Pop quiz, hotshot. What's it gonna be?
BTW: www.mormonsexposed.com
BBTW: John Travolta? More like John TraVOLTING!!
Yours,
Wondering in Wausau
Dear Wondering,
What an excellent and interesting question! After much thought, I'm going to have to go with Mormonism. Bill Paxton is SOOO dreamy on that polygamy show, and as I would MOS DEF be the First Wife, I'd get to boss around Nikki and Margie all the time! And there would be all kinds of intrigue with the nearby rogue sect! And my parents-in-law would be the mom from Twin Peaks and Bruce Dern!
However, let me say that Scientology is a highly-respected and strong religion, giving comfort to thousands of rich people, sociopaths, and rich sociopaths all over the globe! You can't argue with success, people.
Dear Girlmanac,
Can one ever truly cancel their appointment with heartbreak? Why must we always rendezvous with reality??? Please eat me.
Yours,
Broken in Bass Lake
Dear Bass Lake,
Love, the fact of the matter is, you can only cancel your appointment with heartbreak if you give 24-hour notice, or they charge the full amount!!! I agree, it's the sad state of healthcare in this country that's to blame.
I guess the real question, Bass, is "Why do you want to cancel?" I say, send out your RSVP and get the ball rolling! A college professor of mine once said, "Perhaps you should be in The Boys Next Door...the character is kind of a big guy, and likes donuts." And I think in this situation, Bass Lake, you need to go "next door" and get a big ol' heaping plate of Heartbreak Holes. Start eating!
Hungrily yours,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
A good friend of mine sure knows how to "KEEP THE LADIES." However, whenever I attempt this endeavor, they always manage to escape my meat locker freezer. HELP!!!
Yours,
Longing in Lakeville
Dear Longing,
I hear you loud and clear, sister friend! Here is what I have found to be helpful in trapping my victims I mean dates:
1. Make sure they are incapacitated BEFORE you get them in the freezer. That way, it's really just a matter of moving them to their proper stall.
2. DO NOT stab them with a pen; I've found this to be much too messy, and at the end of the evening when you're ready for bed, who wants to bother with all the cleanup? Simply use roofies; lots of them. Put them in BOTH of your drinks, that way when the police show up, you have an air-tight alibi. You were drugged! How could you know what you were doing?
3. Let them leave only if A.) They like the "A Team," and B) if they ask specifically for a "Jameson" when ordering whiskey.
Happy Hunting!
Dear Girlmanac,
Gun To Your Head: Will You Practice Mormonism or Scientology? Pop quiz, hotshot. What's it gonna be?
BTW: www.mormonsexposed.com
BBTW: John Travolta? More like John TraVOLTING!!
Yours,
Wondering in Wausau
Dear Wondering,
What an excellent and interesting question! After much thought, I'm going to have to go with Mormonism. Bill Paxton is SOOO dreamy on that polygamy show, and as I would MOS DEF be the First Wife, I'd get to boss around Nikki and Margie all the time! And there would be all kinds of intrigue with the nearby rogue sect! And my parents-in-law would be the mom from Twin Peaks and Bruce Dern!
However, let me say that Scientology is a highly-respected and strong religion, giving comfort to thousands of rich people, sociopaths, and rich sociopaths all over the globe! You can't argue with success, people.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ask Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...
Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder
Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!
Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.
Beer me!
Dear Girlmanac,
I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.
LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.
Dear Brian,
GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.
Kisses,
Girlmanac
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...
Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder
Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!
Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.
Beer me!
Dear Girlmanac,
I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.
LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.
Dear Brian,
GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.
Kisses,
Girlmanac
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Old Sesame Street
Loved it.
Sesame Street, is, sadly, not the same as it was. So in remembrance, I'd like to take you back through the Mists Of Time, to a simpler place and better Muppets.
Enjoy.
Sesame Street, is, sadly, not the same as it was. So in remembrance, I'd like to take you back through the Mists Of Time, to a simpler place and better Muppets.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Ask Girlmanac!
Dear Girlmanac,
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?
Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota
Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!
Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!
-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta
Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.
Happy Mommying!
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?
Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota
Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!
Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!
-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta
Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.
Happy Mommying!
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