Hello, babies! It's been a tragic week here at Girlmanac HQ. Our mascot and best friend, Dogmanac, has gone to that squirrel-filled meadow in the sky. We are heartbroken, but must continue with him only in spirit as our guardian angel dog. I raise my 40 to you, Dogmanac: One for me, one for my doggie. He always sat on my feet to keep them warm as I wrote to you from my mailbag.
*Tear*
Okay! Our first letter comes from an alert reader, who is obviously a heavy girl with heavy problems.
Dear Girlmanac,
Every girl has a hidden VAGenda. What's yours?
Vaginal in Vadnais Heights
Dear Vadge,
It's almost as if you're a sista from another mista! OF COURSE Girlmanac has a hidden vagenda; it's what I LIVE for. Since we seem to be such kindred spirits, let reveal a few of my secret thoughts.
1. Find Sarah Palin and MAKE HER BE MY MOM. Then get pregnant, then get something that rhymes with "schmaschmortion,' and then go on the View, mainly so I will have an opportunity to throat-punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
2. Stage a musical version of The Vagina Monologues starring Noah Warren and his alter egos Sir Elton John, Macy Gray, Tina Turner, and Anneka Anderson. Sell tickets and write a check from the proceeds to the St.Olaf Alumni Fund, but while presenting it yell, "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" and run with it to the nearest bank that conains a checking account belonging to me.
3. Tell Brian Kennedy that I'm going on the Master Cleanse, create a fake blog about it and how easy it is and how wonderful I feel, and post fake pictures of things that come out of me while on the cleanse, like paper clips, a crack pipe, and a Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper sticker.
Those are just a FEW of my thoughts, darling. Ah, someday I will dictate a memoir to someone to write for me, and there all will be revealed. For now, I predict a Girlmanac/Warren presidential ticket in 2012.
Praise Christ,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
Do you believe in the Hotness Monster? Some people say it is fake, but I don't believe that.
Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bryn Mawr
Dear Bewildered,
I've gone back and forth on this one. Normally, I don't believe in monsters. However, when I first saw your question, I read "HotMESS Monster," instead of "HotNESS Monster," and let me tell you, I really DO believe that our society is currently plagued by a "Hot Mess Monster," whether literally or figuratively speaking. Not only that, Girlmanac feels sincerely that she herself has lived with the Hot Mess Monster for most of her 29 er 25 years.
You see, Bewildered, whenever there is alcohol, hormones, men, hormones, and sleep deprivation, there is the Hot Mess Monster. Add in there psychotropic medication, and let steep for a few hours, and you have a HOT TRANNY MESS UP IN HERE. A few famous folks who have been visited by the Hot Mess Monster include:
1. This one.
2. This one.
3. Also, this gal.
4. And finally, this gal.
As for the Hotness Monster, I can only speculate. Although Girlmanac DOES seem cuter and more charming to herself after several Cosmos...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Ask Girlmanac: Girlmanac Gets Politicky!
Good day to you, Knights and Ladies of Rodanthe! Haha, just a little film humor there, because I have just returned from watching "Nights in Rodanthe," starring the dreeeeeaaaamy Richard Gere and the even dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaamier Diane Lane! What a film!
Just kidding. Girlmanac would never see that movie.
ANY-poo, my long absence can be attributed to many factors, brothers and sisters. First, it was Girlmanac's birthday, and she likes to get CRUNK. Second, it was a very good week on The View. That Elisabeth Hasselbeck! What a scamp! Cute as a button, to boot! Am I right? Third, Girlmanac's Pseudo-inlaws and parents were here this weekend, so Girlmanac was busy entertaining, gossiping with her mother, Womanac. Fourthly, Girlmanac had too much red wine last evening and embarrassed herself over said wine and possibly committed several or more social gaffes. Whew! I'm exhausted! So we have several letters from the mailbag to get to today; let's dive in, cause my vodka straight isn't getting less watered down!
Dear Girlmanac,
Is it possible to spin an Oriental person around so much that they become dis-oriented? AND WHAT GIVES when it comes to the price of pickled pepper packs? I mean sheesh!
PO'd in Prior Lake
Dear PO'd,
First of all, we don't call them "Orientals," anymore. That's racist. We call them "Mulattos from the Island of Mulatto." Perhaps you know someone like this. Second of all, they do not get disoriented because they have built-in compasses which update every half-second to tell them where they are, and get the latest scores of the baseball match. These chips also give them the ability to read minds and do lighting-fast linear equations. And we wonder why America is having a "brain drain"!
As for the Pickled Peppers, I asked my dear friend, and the father of Babymanac, who also happens to manage a high-end grocery store, why these little delicacies are in such high demand right now. He said the only explanation he could see was they were constantly being snapped up by a "Mulatto fellow" as soon as the shipment could get stocked.
Methinks you already know the answer, PO'd. Mayhaps a bit of soul-searching or food journalling could clarify things for you.
Best,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
I am the founder of MAABA, Mothers Against the Advancement of Bear Astronauts. Would you care to donate some of your time to our organization? We are highjacking a Planned Parenthood and using it as our base of operations to perform mass bear abortions. We wantAHHHHH! My toaster is bi-racial!
Stymied in St. Paul
Dear Stymied,
Dearheart, your battle cry has been heard, and while Girlmanac loves nothing more than to donate her time to worthy causes, and she has visited Planned Parenthood five or six times, I simply can't squeeze one more volunteer hour into my schedule. And as for your toaster, let me just say this: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T TEACH ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION TO OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!! Whew. My apologies. Girlmanac doesn't like to get overtly political, but sometimes enough is enough!
Smoochies,
Girlmanac
Just kidding. Girlmanac would never see that movie.
ANY-poo, my long absence can be attributed to many factors, brothers and sisters. First, it was Girlmanac's birthday, and she likes to get CRUNK. Second, it was a very good week on The View. That Elisabeth Hasselbeck! What a scamp! Cute as a button, to boot! Am I right? Third, Girlmanac's Pseudo-inlaws and parents were here this weekend, so Girlmanac was busy entertaining, gossiping with her mother, Womanac. Fourthly, Girlmanac had too much red wine last evening and embarrassed herself over said wine and possibly committed several or more social gaffes. Whew! I'm exhausted! So we have several letters from the mailbag to get to today; let's dive in, cause my vodka straight isn't getting less watered down!
Dear Girlmanac,
Is it possible to spin an Oriental person around so much that they become dis-oriented? AND WHAT GIVES when it comes to the price of pickled pepper packs? I mean sheesh!
PO'd in Prior Lake
Dear PO'd,
First of all, we don't call them "Orientals," anymore. That's racist. We call them "Mulattos from the Island of Mulatto." Perhaps you know someone like this. Second of all, they do not get disoriented because they have built-in compasses which update every half-second to tell them where they are, and get the latest scores of the baseball match. These chips also give them the ability to read minds and do lighting-fast linear equations. And we wonder why America is having a "brain drain"!
As for the Pickled Peppers, I asked my dear friend, and the father of Babymanac, who also happens to manage a high-end grocery store, why these little delicacies are in such high demand right now. He said the only explanation he could see was they were constantly being snapped up by a "Mulatto fellow" as soon as the shipment could get stocked.
Methinks you already know the answer, PO'd. Mayhaps a bit of soul-searching or food journalling could clarify things for you.
Best,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
I am the founder of MAABA, Mothers Against the Advancement of Bear Astronauts. Would you care to donate some of your time to our organization? We are highjacking a Planned Parenthood and using it as our base of operations to perform mass bear abortions. We wantAHHHHH! My toaster is bi-racial!
Stymied in St. Paul
Dear Stymied,
Dearheart, your battle cry has been heard, and while Girlmanac loves nothing more than to donate her time to worthy causes, and she has visited Planned Parenthood five or six times, I simply can't squeeze one more volunteer hour into my schedule. And as for your toaster, let me just say this: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T TEACH ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION TO OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!! Whew. My apologies. Girlmanac doesn't like to get overtly political, but sometimes enough is enough!
Smoochies,
Girlmanac
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ask Girlmanac!
Oh, so many inquiring minds today, Readers and Readerettes! Let me crack open my Diet Coke...and grab a cupcake...and let's get started!!!
Dear Girlmanac,
Can one ever truly cancel their appointment with heartbreak? Why must we always rendezvous with reality??? Please eat me.
Yours,
Broken in Bass Lake
Dear Bass Lake,
Love, the fact of the matter is, you can only cancel your appointment with heartbreak if you give 24-hour notice, or they charge the full amount!!! I agree, it's the sad state of healthcare in this country that's to blame.
I guess the real question, Bass, is "Why do you want to cancel?" I say, send out your RSVP and get the ball rolling! A college professor of mine once said, "Perhaps you should be in The Boys Next Door...the character is kind of a big guy, and likes donuts." And I think in this situation, Bass Lake, you need to go "next door" and get a big ol' heaping plate of Heartbreak Holes. Start eating!
Hungrily yours,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
A good friend of mine sure knows how to "KEEP THE LADIES." However, whenever I attempt this endeavor, they always manage to escape my meat locker freezer. HELP!!!
Yours,
Longing in Lakeville
Dear Longing,
I hear you loud and clear, sister friend! Here is what I have found to be helpful in trapping my victims I mean dates:
1. Make sure they are incapacitated BEFORE you get them in the freezer. That way, it's really just a matter of moving them to their proper stall.
2. DO NOT stab them with a pen; I've found this to be much too messy, and at the end of the evening when you're ready for bed, who wants to bother with all the cleanup? Simply use roofies; lots of them. Put them in BOTH of your drinks, that way when the police show up, you have an air-tight alibi. You were drugged! How could you know what you were doing?
3. Let them leave only if A.) They like the "A Team," and B) if they ask specifically for a "Jameson" when ordering whiskey.
Happy Hunting!
Dear Girlmanac,
Gun To Your Head: Will You Practice Mormonism or Scientology? Pop quiz, hotshot. What's it gonna be?
BTW: www.mormonsexposed.com
BBTW: John Travolta? More like John TraVOLTING!!
Yours,
Wondering in Wausau
Dear Wondering,
What an excellent and interesting question! After much thought, I'm going to have to go with Mormonism. Bill Paxton is SOOO dreamy on that polygamy show, and as I would MOS DEF be the First Wife, I'd get to boss around Nikki and Margie all the time! And there would be all kinds of intrigue with the nearby rogue sect! And my parents-in-law would be the mom from Twin Peaks and Bruce Dern!
However, let me say that Scientology is a highly-respected and strong religion, giving comfort to thousands of rich people, sociopaths, and rich sociopaths all over the globe! You can't argue with success, people.
Dear Girlmanac,
Can one ever truly cancel their appointment with heartbreak? Why must we always rendezvous with reality??? Please eat me.
Yours,
Broken in Bass Lake
Dear Bass Lake,
Love, the fact of the matter is, you can only cancel your appointment with heartbreak if you give 24-hour notice, or they charge the full amount!!! I agree, it's the sad state of healthcare in this country that's to blame.
I guess the real question, Bass, is "Why do you want to cancel?" I say, send out your RSVP and get the ball rolling! A college professor of mine once said, "Perhaps you should be in The Boys Next Door...the character is kind of a big guy, and likes donuts." And I think in this situation, Bass Lake, you need to go "next door" and get a big ol' heaping plate of Heartbreak Holes. Start eating!
Hungrily yours,
Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
A good friend of mine sure knows how to "KEEP THE LADIES." However, whenever I attempt this endeavor, they always manage to escape my meat locker freezer. HELP!!!
Yours,
Longing in Lakeville
Dear Longing,
I hear you loud and clear, sister friend! Here is what I have found to be helpful in trapping my victims I mean dates:
1. Make sure they are incapacitated BEFORE you get them in the freezer. That way, it's really just a matter of moving them to their proper stall.
2. DO NOT stab them with a pen; I've found this to be much too messy, and at the end of the evening when you're ready for bed, who wants to bother with all the cleanup? Simply use roofies; lots of them. Put them in BOTH of your drinks, that way when the police show up, you have an air-tight alibi. You were drugged! How could you know what you were doing?
3. Let them leave only if A.) They like the "A Team," and B) if they ask specifically for a "Jameson" when ordering whiskey.
Happy Hunting!
Dear Girlmanac,
Gun To Your Head: Will You Practice Mormonism or Scientology? Pop quiz, hotshot. What's it gonna be?
BTW: www.mormonsexposed.com
BBTW: John Travolta? More like John TraVOLTING!!
Yours,
Wondering in Wausau
Dear Wondering,
What an excellent and interesting question! After much thought, I'm going to have to go with Mormonism. Bill Paxton is SOOO dreamy on that polygamy show, and as I would MOS DEF be the First Wife, I'd get to boss around Nikki and Margie all the time! And there would be all kinds of intrigue with the nearby rogue sect! And my parents-in-law would be the mom from Twin Peaks and Bruce Dern!
However, let me say that Scientology is a highly-respected and strong religion, giving comfort to thousands of rich people, sociopaths, and rich sociopaths all over the globe! You can't argue with success, people.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ask Girlmanac
Dear Girlmanac,
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...
Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder
Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!
Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.
Beer me!
Dear Girlmanac,
I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.
LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.
Dear Brian,
GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.
Kisses,
Girlmanac
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...
Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder
Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!
Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.
Beer me!
Dear Girlmanac,
I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.
LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.
Dear Brian,
GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.
Kisses,
Girlmanac
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Old Sesame Street
Loved it.
Sesame Street, is, sadly, not the same as it was. So in remembrance, I'd like to take you back through the Mists Of Time, to a simpler place and better Muppets.
Enjoy.
Sesame Street, is, sadly, not the same as it was. So in remembrance, I'd like to take you back through the Mists Of Time, to a simpler place and better Muppets.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Ask Girlmanac!
Dear Girlmanac,
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?
Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota
Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!
Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!
-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta
Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.
Happy Mommying!
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?
Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota
Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!
Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!
-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta
Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.
Happy Mommying!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sarah Palin will never decide the contents of my uterus.
Since this isn't a real news source, I can TOTALLY link to Wikipedia, y'all! Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that John McCain chose Ms. Palin by this thought process: "She's a woman! And a lot of those people wanted a woman president! So this will appease the woman for president people! She's a Republican and she's a woman! Women are so hot right now! Women." Because I know that I, for one, am a huge fan of Hillary, but I'm a woman, and as long as there's another vagina on the ticket, that's what matters. Cause women be shoppin'! She's also, apparently, a member of Assemblies of God. Just what I was hoping for! Someone who will stand up for "traditional family values"! Load off my mind.
Aw geez, you guys...she just really sucks.
Moe Rocca can bring it home for ya.
Aw geez, you guys...she just really sucks.
Moe Rocca can bring it home for ya.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I am a mean person, and Eva Mendes is a moron.
Do you ever encounter those people in your life whom you have no good reason to dislike, and you know that by disliking them you are automatically a bitch? You wish you could fire them from your consciousness, since they seem to take up residence with no regard to your mental health, but since they're not actually your friend, and (again)you have no sane/mature/emotionally viable reason to dislike them, you're kind of stuck with them?
FUCK. I feel like a mean, petty, heinous, bee-ya-HOTCH, but I sometimes fantasize about taking a baseball bat to this person's car and/or face. I've also noticed that I have a blackly comic preference for the baseball-bat-to-the-windshield fantasy. I've never once in my life committed violence against another person, with the exception of sophomore year of college when I threw a shoe at my (ahem) boyfriend's head. (For the record, of course he deserved it!) I'm not an angry or vicious person, and fortunately would never dream of actually using a baseball bat on anyone. I would perhaps instead simply slash his or her tires.
ANY-crap, in the Celebrity BS category, today I read from WENN news (always a totally reliable source, because it's on the internets, y'all!) that Eva Mendes is "totally proud" of her nekkid ads for Calvin Klein, because, like, it's totally art and stuff! The ads were too racy to air in the US or on the internet, but have been run in the UK and other European countries. My question is this: What, exactly, are you "proud" of, Eva? Like you're such a brave and cutting-edge artist and it took real courage to take your clothes off for millions of dollars and be shown completely airbrushed over in a countries where you do not live? Or are you proud of contributing to the glut and gross oversaturation of using women as sex objects to sell shit? For the record, shut the fuck up. And, because I'm in an extra-special cranky mood, you are required to watch this: (you'll love it)
Full disclosure: Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty is a nice idea, but I have to point out the Dove is owned by Unilever, a gigantic company that sells LOTS of products that DO NOT serve women. Dove is not a non-profit division of Unilever; therefore, the Campaign For Real Beauty is still a marketing tool to sell more products, albeit one that appeals to an increasing demand for healthy media images for young girls. But take it as a cool video! Because I'm just being super-misanthropic today! In fact, you could call me Miss Anthropic! YOINK!
FUCK. I feel like a mean, petty, heinous, bee-ya-HOTCH, but I sometimes fantasize about taking a baseball bat to this person's car and/or face. I've also noticed that I have a blackly comic preference for the baseball-bat-to-the-windshield fantasy. I've never once in my life committed violence against another person, with the exception of sophomore year of college when I threw a shoe at my (ahem) boyfriend's head. (For the record, of course he deserved it!) I'm not an angry or vicious person, and fortunately would never dream of actually using a baseball bat on anyone. I would perhaps instead simply slash his or her tires.
ANY-crap, in the Celebrity BS category, today I read from WENN news (always a totally reliable source, because it's on the internets, y'all!) that Eva Mendes is "totally proud" of her nekkid ads for Calvin Klein, because, like, it's totally art and stuff! The ads were too racy to air in the US or on the internet, but have been run in the UK and other European countries. My question is this: What, exactly, are you "proud" of, Eva? Like you're such a brave and cutting-edge artist and it took real courage to take your clothes off for millions of dollars and be shown completely airbrushed over in a countries where you do not live? Or are you proud of contributing to the glut and gross oversaturation of using women as sex objects to sell shit? For the record, shut the fuck up. And, because I'm in an extra-special cranky mood, you are required to watch this: (you'll love it)
Full disclosure: Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty is a nice idea, but I have to point out the Dove is owned by Unilever, a gigantic company that sells LOTS of products that DO NOT serve women. Dove is not a non-profit division of Unilever; therefore, the Campaign For Real Beauty is still a marketing tool to sell more products, albeit one that appeals to an increasing demand for healthy media images for young girls. But take it as a cool video! Because I'm just being super-misanthropic today! In fact, you could call me Miss Anthropic! YOINK!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Whew, I thought I was getting soft...
I am thrilled beyond reason to report that I can go back to hating Paris Hilton. I don't care HOW much self-winky winky you can muster, if you are schlocking horrifically terrifying fake hair under the endorsement, "That's hot," then I'm sorry, I can't do anything for you. It's a shame, too, because Paris and I had a whole tutoring schedule set up and everything. I would teach her how to read, and she would teach me about tanning. Alas, I don't think our relationship can continue; I just can't teach someone I don't respect.
And now for something completely unrelated, did anyone catch the Democratic National Convention last night? I didn't, but I scurried around the ol' Information Super-Highway (it's really just a series of tubes, is what it is) and watched as much video from the convention as I could find. So if you didn't catch Senator Kennedy's speech, please watch now. It's pretty good.
Finally, you may or may not know my affinity for baby elephants. So here it is: I LOVE BABY ELEPHANTS! Which is why this is EXTREMELY HEARTBREAKING!
Happy Tuesday.
And now for something completely unrelated, did anyone catch the Democratic National Convention last night? I didn't, but I scurried around the ol' Information Super-Highway (it's really just a series of tubes, is what it is) and watched as much video from the convention as I could find. So if you didn't catch Senator Kennedy's speech, please watch now. It's pretty good.
Finally, you may or may not know my affinity for baby elephants. So here it is: I LOVE BABY ELEPHANTS! Which is why this is EXTREMELY HEARTBREAKING!
Happy Tuesday.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Lookin' For My Outlaw Shaker Of Salt...**
That's the lyrics, right? I don't really know, I'm just guessing, because that's what it sounds like. **I have just been informed that these are actually NOT the lyrics to the song, that the lyrics are "Looking for my LOST shaker of salt." As my friend Amber points out, "Outlaw is way better. That outlaw shaker of salt! Always bursting in and overseasoning things!"
Okay, I'm not implying anything untoward by this, but...don't you think John McCain looks an awful lot like Jimmy Buffet? I mean...I'm not convinced they are not the same person.
Basically what I'm saying is, if he IS, in fact, Jimmy Buffet, he should just say that. And he should tell his wife. Anyone who is Jimmy Buffet should really let his spouse know his identity, especially if he's calling himself "John McCain" and running for president. I'm just sayin'.
Okay, I'm not implying anything untoward by this, but...don't you think John McCain looks an awful lot like Jimmy Buffet? I mean...I'm not convinced they are not the same person.
Basically what I'm saying is, if he IS, in fact, Jimmy Buffet, he should just say that. And he should tell his wife. Anyone who is Jimmy Buffet should really let his spouse know his identity, especially if he's calling himself "John McCain" and running for president. I'm just sayin'.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Gwen, why must you hurt me?
I've ranted about this many a time, but FOR THE LOVE OF TINY BUNNIES, WHY must celebrities continue to give their children horrible, mock-inducing, psychologically abusive names? I point my accusatory finger at you, Gwen Stefani. Sure, you have a husband and I'm sure he had an opinion and whatever, but I KNOW that you are the mastermind behind this evil, evil, deed. In the words of my friend Amber, "They just need to throw a "Dakota" in there, it would be perfect. And then I would never stop vomiting."
Vomiting, indeed. Let's all welcome ZUMA NESTA ROCK ROSSDALE to the world.
This is a disease, and must be stopped. INOCCULATE YOURSELVES!!! Join me in the fight against pretentious and megalomaniacal names! Together, we can end the destructive reign of terror celebrities have gripped us with everytime one of them sprouts a baby bump.
From CNN via The Huffington Post, filed by me under Things That Shouldn't Surprise You, we're being watched! Or rather, cyberwarfare is on the rise and this is what it may look like.
Finally, the Great Minnesota Get Together is in full swing, so get out there and enjoy looking at the big hair, feed caps, and mom jeans. And please, be sure to eat Something On A Stick, or you will inevitably be asked, "You didn't try (fill in blank with totally inappropriately fried item) on a stick?!" You will get a similar reaction if you don't eat twenty-five Sweet Martha's Cookies with milk. I know, I sound like a total curmudgeon, but I feel the same way about the State Fair that I feel about Garrison Keillor: depending on my mood I find it's schtick alternately charming and really irritating. I mean, I AM going to see the baby animals, so my heart isn't completely made of tarry black matter.
PS, WHO ARE THE VEEP CANDIDATES???? Barack, don't hold out on me, my love.
Vomiting, indeed. Let's all welcome ZUMA NESTA ROCK ROSSDALE to the world.
This is a disease, and must be stopped. INOCCULATE YOURSELVES!!! Join me in the fight against pretentious and megalomaniacal names! Together, we can end the destructive reign of terror celebrities have gripped us with everytime one of them sprouts a baby bump.
From CNN via The Huffington Post, filed by me under Things That Shouldn't Surprise You, we're being watched! Or rather, cyberwarfare is on the rise and this is what it may look like.
Finally, the Great Minnesota Get Together is in full swing, so get out there and enjoy looking at the big hair, feed caps, and mom jeans. And please, be sure to eat Something On A Stick, or you will inevitably be asked, "You didn't try (fill in blank with totally inappropriately fried item) on a stick?!" You will get a similar reaction if you don't eat twenty-five Sweet Martha's Cookies with milk. I know, I sound like a total curmudgeon, but I feel the same way about the State Fair that I feel about Garrison Keillor: depending on my mood I find it's schtick alternately charming and really irritating. I mean, I AM going to see the baby animals, so my heart isn't completely made of tarry black matter.
PS, WHO ARE THE VEEP CANDIDATES???? Barack, don't hold out on me, my love.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Take THAT, Enterprising Little Girls!
This from www.jezebel.com:
With the rate of white-collar financial crime these days, it's no wonder we're shutting down these bitches at the source: their Roadside Black Market Vegetable Stand. Kate and Sabrina Lewis, sisters from Clayton, California, got the big F-You from local law enforcement when they were shut down this week. Apparently, the fuzz was worried that selling vegetables from their little home garden would lead to bigger and more sinister taxable incomes. Just check it out, and don't forget the sweet bonus of the Lemonade Stand game.
http://www.reason.com/blog/show/128212.html
Also, this is the best thing that's happened to us this week:
With the rate of white-collar financial crime these days, it's no wonder we're shutting down these bitches at the source: their Roadside Black Market Vegetable Stand. Kate and Sabrina Lewis, sisters from Clayton, California, got the big F-You from local law enforcement when they were shut down this week. Apparently, the fuzz was worried that selling vegetables from their little home garden would lead to bigger and more sinister taxable incomes. Just check it out, and don't forget the sweet bonus of the Lemonade Stand game.
http://www.reason.com/blog/show/128212.html
Also, this is the best thing that's happened to us this week:
Monday, August 18, 2008
Loves it!
My my, life is funny sometimes. Last week I was an average 28-year-old, being snobby about pop culture and yet obsessed with it, of which a pre-requisite is Hating Paris Hilton. I'm not saying she's my new BFF, but Let me just say that self-awareness goes a long way in making me like you. If getting me to like you is one of your goals. In which case, you also need to bring a case of Diet Coke, (cans, not bottles!), those cheese crack sandwich thingies, some mid-priced vodka, and know about Hollywood musicals. I DIGRESS. Ms. Hilton has never impressed me as being particularly well-versed in politics, or well-versed in anything else for that matter, but gosh darn it if she hasn't risen in my esteem after this gem from Funny or Die:
And for those of you keeping track, (read: Me, my Mom.) my fourth 25th birthday is coming up next month. Besides world peace and a Reese's Peanut Butter Anatomically Correct Replica of Christian Bale, I only want one thing: For Mr. Noah Warren to perform at my birthday party. But what will Mr. Warren, the consumate Showboat, perform, you may ask? Wonder no more:
HEY!
See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die
And for those of you keeping track, (read: Me, my Mom.) my fourth 25th birthday is coming up next month. Besides world peace and a Reese's Peanut Butter Anatomically Correct Replica of Christian Bale, I only want one thing: For Mr. Noah Warren to perform at my birthday party. But what will Mr. Warren, the consumate Showboat, perform, you may ask? Wonder no more:
HEY!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Church of Liza
I became a showboat the first time I saw "Singin' in the Rain." Something about Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Connor, and GENE KELLY!! tapping in a living room on top of furniture and singing "Good Morning" to each other sparked MY SOUL, people, MY SOUL. I remember immediately putting on Mary Janes and climbing on our kitchen table performing my own version of "Good Morning," and tap-dancing. I wager my parents would argue that my thrill for performance came earlier than that, but that's my earliest memory.
No matter where I'm at in my life, my favorite-est to be is in the middle of a stage with a spotlight on me. Either that's really immature or...yeah, it's probably really immature. But I'm all about honoring the showboat in myself, and today's tribute is to the Showboat Princess of the World, Mizz Liza (With a Z!) Minelli. The Queen being, of course, her mother. This video will make your day, and captures the exact essence of what makes me happy...although I suspect Liza was doing a lot of coke here. But still, bon appetit!
No matter where I'm at in my life, my favorite-est to be is in the middle of a stage with a spotlight on me. Either that's really immature or...yeah, it's probably really immature. But I'm all about honoring the showboat in myself, and today's tribute is to the Showboat Princess of the World, Mizz Liza (With a Z!) Minelli. The Queen being, of course, her mother. This video will make your day, and captures the exact essence of what makes me happy...although I suspect Liza was doing a lot of coke here. But still, bon appetit!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Shun the Non-Believer! Shhhhuuuuunnnnnn!
I've overhauled Old Girlmanac into the New and Improved Girlmanac! Now with Better Science and Techology! With knobs for turning, and adjusting!
But seriously.
To kick off my inaugural Post, I'd like to open with this little gem that's come across my desk, from the twisted mind of Secret Agent Bob. Special thanks to Jeremiah and Todd for bringing this to my attention and making my life much better than it was before.
But seriously.
To kick off my inaugural Post, I'd like to open with this little gem that's come across my desk, from the twisted mind of Secret Agent Bob. Special thanks to Jeremiah and Todd for bringing this to my attention and making my life much better than it was before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
