Ask Girlmanac: Your Burning Questions are Flames...On The Sides of My Face...

Another day, another opportunity to enlighten my dear readers with my sage wisdom.

Dear Girlmanac,
I'm what's known as a "hipster." I'm weighing the pros and cons of wearing camouflage hotpants in public. What do you think?

Uppity in Uptown

Dear Uppity,
Thanks in advance for your candor and willingness to share your fashion insecurity on the intertubes. (For those of you unfamiliar with Uppity's terminology, "hotpants" are very short-short shorts.) And in answer to your question:
NO NO NO NEVER EVER EVER.
I don't care if you have the gams of Betty Grable. Or Neko Case, to speak your language. First of all, it is January in Minnesota. There should be pants on your stems AT ALL TIMES, and if you MUST go pantsless, please wear some heavy cabled tights. I understand this doesn't always "jive" with your "mojo," or whatever the kids are saying nowadays. I'm sorry, but I really must be a Prissy Patty on this subject. PANTS. Live it. Love it. Learn it.
Also, wearing thigh-nigh boots probably help with the warmth issue, but they still necessitate you wearing SHORTS IN THE WINTER. If you are in the comfort of your own home playing some crazy sex game that involves rollerskates and an order pad while attending to your partner's "car" under an "awning" while you crack chewing gum in your non-existent jowels and take his or her "order," then by all means, rock the hotpants. Alternatively, if you are a Roller Girl and are skating in a bout, by all means, wear hotpants. Either way, hotpants really should involve rollerskates. Otherwise, please do not assault my eyeballs in public.

Love,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
While in a single-toilet public restroom the other day, I discovered that the person before me had dropped the log fantastic and had not flushed. When I tried to flush, the toilet became clogged. I was so embarrassed! How do I leave the restroom without the whole establishment thinking I had committed the crime???

Humiliated in Ham Lake

Dear Humliated,
I particularly appreciate this question, because it serves as a useful public service announcement. Namely, put a little love in your heart, people! Either don't poo in public (best option) or try to unclog it! Don't leave it for a sista to deal with; that's just bad form. Second, if you are the victim of a Stealth Poo, you have two options. First, you can leave the restroom and loudly say, "Whoa! Someone took a huge dump in there and it WAS NOT ME, and now the toilet won't flush!" Or, you can just leave. Might be your best option right there.
Really, everyone: Take responsibility for your bodily functions.

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I am confused about birth control. I hear you are an expert. I keep switching my methods, and can't decide on one I like! What do you recommend?

Sexin' in Stillwater

Dear Sexin',
You're right! I am indeed an expert on birth control, and have been referred to by several anonymous people as a "Fertile Myrtle." I count myself lucky in one sense; I most likely will not have to worry about conceiving again in the future. On the other hand, birth control is no joke for folks like me. We will get pregnant if you breathe on us. SO. First of all, STOP SWITCHING BIRTH CONTROL. This results in babies. Trust me on this one. Also, it will mess up your hormones. But again, babies. Will. Result. Second, get an IUD. They last for five years, are just about fool-proof, (and I'm a fool, so I should know) and take no remembering or work at all on your part. Go to the doctor, and he or she will insert this tiny one-inch Miracle into your Uterus. You may or may not feel a slight pinch, (I didn't) and you may or may not have some menstrual-like cramps afterwards, (I did) but it's what works for me! I know you've heard all about the Big Bad IUD's of the 80's and 90's, but those IUD's have been taken off the market and sold to third world countries in Africa, so no worries! The New American IUD's are plastic and tiny and don't cause endometriosis or cancer. Or babies.

Sex it up!

Girlmanac

Fun like of the day

I normally hate Nip/Tuck, but Jennifer Coolidge showboated her way into my heart this week.