Ask Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
Hi! I'm an ex-boyfriend of yours, from your days as a "dancer," in the seedy underbelly of Northwest Iowa. You remember, right? Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, baby! Ah, memories. But I digress, my sweet flower! Thus I come to the crux of my inquiry: I know that nary an exagerration or untruth would dare escape from your rosebud lips, dear lady, but methinks I caught the tiniest, whitest (white people!) of oversights in one of your pithy and always-amusing posts. You stated, and I quote, "I've never once in my life committed violence against another person..." This, my darling, is not entirely true. You may remember a small incident after I had thrown flowers at your window late one night, after a row we had in which I accused you of showering your affection on another fellow, and you, the virginal sprite you were, denounced me as a cad. No matter, love, 'twas a fool I was! You had every right to lash my face with your glove and scream obscenities at me! I must admit, I was a bit shocked at your language, as I was accustomed to your refined speech and elegant manner. But I deserved it! Every strike and foul word! Only wanted to reminisce...

Sincerely,
Hoss Blenderder


Dearest Hoss,
Love, how simply WONDERFUL to hear from you! You are correct, one of my youthful indiscretions has caught up with me at last! Ha ha! I DID, I believe, commit an act of violence against your face, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. The scorn! The fiery hot flames on the sides of my face! The indignation that I would dare give my love to another, especially one who was so unfortunate-looking!

Ah, all's well that ends well, I say.

Beer me!


Dear Girlmanac,

I know this isn't the first time I've tried to get through to you. I know the restraining order doesn't expire for another six months, but please hear me. I know I've been telling everyone for years that I'm gay to cover up my love for you, but I simply cannot live this lie anymore. I must have you, I want to proclaim our love from the heavens! Why did you dump me? Why? WHY???
Also, I'm sorry I haven't sent you any child support for our love child yet. I'm a deadbeat dad and cannot hold a job long enough to support even myself! Also, I have a meth problem.

LOVE YOU!
Brian Kennedy
New York, New York.


Dear Brian,

GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.

Kisses,

Girlmanac