Ask Girlmanac!

Dear Girlmanac,
I've been a devoted reader of your blog since it's inception. I'm obsessed with your charm and wit, but I can't seem to find a picture of you on the interwebs. I would love to go as you for Halloween this year. Tell me, where can I find a picture of you, and why do you wait so long between posts? Also, do you watch Ellen every day?

Mavis Bolkens,
Moo Stalls, South Dakota

Dear Mavis,
Darling, thank you for your devotion! It IS hard to keep up with my fanbase, but please know that I appreciate each and every one of you! While I am flattered that you want to BE me, I must confess that the very nature of my allure is the air of mystery I cloud myself within, like an overpowering perfume. Therefore, I choose not to reveal my identity to my readers. I don't want to ruin the magic for you!!
As to why I wait so long between posts, the answer is simple: My best writing time is between 9 am and 10 am in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, this coincides with my very favorite TV lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres!!! Who can dance like Ellen, I ask you? That's right, no one. So when I'm on an Ellen kick, you won't see a Girlmanac for a week or so. She's just toooo spunky!


Dear Girlmanac,
I'm a new breastfeeding mom, and I've found that I simply can't do anything during the day because of the constant need of my baby to be on the boob! I really should do dishes, laundry, my nails, etc. but I can only leave my chair to go to the bathroom! How do I find some ME time? Help!

-Lactation Station
Minnecrapolis, Minnesnowta

Dear LS,
I'm sorry, did you say "ME" time? Sweet child, what in God's Green Glory are you smoking, and where can I get some? Since the moment you pushed that runt out of your baby hole, (or the moment she was unceremoniously ripped from your loins) she has OWNED you, bitch. There is no "ME" time. Oh sure, you may be able to sneak away for a few hours to stress-shop, buying cute purple shoes you'll never get to wear or shampoo you'll never wash your hair with, but that is the extent of your so-called "ME" time. Yes, babies quite *literally* suck, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right, loyal readers? RIGHT??? Breastfeeding is such a blessing and joy. :)
I like to compare myself to the morbidly obese mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You can't really leave the house, you should assemble everything you need for the day within arms' reach of your feeding chair, and when you die, they may as well burn the house down around you.

Happy Mommying!