Ask Girlmanac: The Return

Hello, Alert Readers! Apologies from Girlmanac HQ...I have been remiss in posting as of late, but the holidays/angst/mommying has gotten in the way of my mailbag. But, we're back, and like the '80's, better than ever! So let's get down to it, shall we?

Dear Girlmanac,
I am a pedestrian who frequents an area of Minneapolis informally referred to as "Seven Corners." I am vaguely aware of the existence of pedestrian traffic laws, but honestly, I don't understand them. I don't really get what all these colored lights mean, nor do I understand the "symbols" I encounter at said lights. And really, aren't pedestrian laws more like "unwritten customs"? I don't really need to follow them, right?

Wranglingly,
Strolling in Seven Corners

Dear Strolling,
Ah, yes. YOU. I know you. I see you often while driving with Babymanac. I will sometimes comment to her about how I wouldn't mind schmucking you with my car, were it not verboten in the sense that it would constitute vehicular manslaughter, and really, who needs that on their record? Not this girl.
So for the sake of keeping everyone safe and free from the roiling rage one might feel while watching you JAYWALK ALL THE FUCK OVER CHRISTENDOM, I will now do a mini-tutorial on the Etiquette of Traffic Lights:

1. a "Red" light means, "Don't walk, you simpering moron, because there are cars coming, as THEY HAVE A GREEN "AS IN GO" LIGHT. You may also note the red "DON'T WALK" signal, located underneath the red light.
2. A "green" light MAY mean "walk," but hey! Make sure you also look at the lane of cars next to you, for they may be turning. It is best to walk when there is
3. A WHITE PERSON-SHAPED SYMBOL. It will be solid, not flashing.

Hope this helps you not die! :)

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I've been feeling this free-floating, intense anxiet for the past several weeks. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my palms are constantly sweaty, and my mind is always racing. My baby is growing teeth, and I'm behind in my graduate classes...HELP!

Blargh,

Tweeking on Taylor

Dear Tweeking,
Dollface, you have what I like to refer to as "White Girl Ennui." There are several steps you can take to relieve the stress of being white, educated, and privileged. To expand:

1. Suck it up.
2. Chill the fuck out.
3. Get someone to take your baby for one or two days a week.
4. Do a lot of yoga.
5. Have as much sex as possible.
6. Remind yourself that you love your child more than life itself, and you're doing the best you can.
7. Thank the Higher Power Of Your Choosing for everything you've got, you ungrateful wench!
8. Ignore mothers who say they have it all figured out and it's easy. These people are unlikeable and will be punished by God.

Happy Homemaking!

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I really want some specific things for Valentine's Day, but I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. I want him to make me a mix tape, because I've never gotten one, but you can't really "ask" for something like that, right? Also, I want this pair of earrings I saw...I feel like Valentine's Day is one of those holidays where you shouldn't expect anything because it isn't a "real" holiday. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Stymied in St. Paul

Dear Stymied,
You're right: Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday. You shouldn't expect anything. However, we have unfortunately been trapped into feeling like Big Jerks if we don't do something special for our significant others, because at the end of the day, you really shouldn't NEED an excuse to do something special and thoughtful for your significant other. Has it occurred to you that you may not be the "mix CD" type? That your beauty simply doesn't invoke men to make mix tapes/CD's for you? This is a sad fact, but one you may have to come to terms with. If you're almost 30, and no one has ever made a mix CD for you, maybe it's time to get the net, as it were. Also, if I know you, and I feel like I do, someone in your life has probably already taken all the good songs and put them into mix CD's for THEIR significant other, so you'd just have sloppy seconds on the mix CD's and be forced to think of these OTHER people, instead of you and YOUR significant other. Not that this has ever happened to me. It's just something to think about.
But the earrings? Good idea. And if you want a mix CD, I can make one for you. :)

Girlmanac

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