Ask Girlmanac!

Oh, so many inquiring minds today, Readers and Readerettes! Let me crack open my Diet Coke...and grab a cupcake...and let's get started!!!

Dear Girlmanac,
Can one ever truly cancel their appointment with heartbreak? Why must we always rendezvous with reality??? Please eat me.

Yours,
Broken in Bass Lake

Dear Bass Lake,
Love, the fact of the matter is, you can only cancel your appointment with heartbreak if you give 24-hour notice, or they charge the full amount!!! I agree, it's the sad state of healthcare in this country that's to blame.
I guess the real question, Bass, is "Why do you want to cancel?" I say, send out your RSVP and get the ball rolling! A college professor of mine once said, "Perhaps you should be in The Boys Next Door...the character is kind of a big guy, and likes donuts." And I think in this situation, Bass Lake, you need to go "next door" and get a big ol' heaping plate of Heartbreak Holes. Start eating!

Hungrily yours,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
A good friend of mine sure knows how to "KEEP THE LADIES." However, whenever I attempt this endeavor, they always manage to escape my meat locker freezer. HELP!!!

Yours,
Longing in Lakeville

Dear Longing,

I hear you loud and clear, sister friend! Here is what I have found to be helpful in trapping my victims I mean dates:

1. Make sure they are incapacitated BEFORE you get them in the freezer. That way, it's really just a matter of moving them to their proper stall.
2. DO NOT stab them with a pen; I've found this to be much too messy, and at the end of the evening when you're ready for bed, who wants to bother with all the cleanup? Simply use roofies; lots of them. Put them in BOTH of your drinks, that way when the police show up, you have an air-tight alibi. You were drugged! How could you know what you were doing?
3. Let them leave only if A.) They like the "A Team," and B) if they ask specifically for a "Jameson" when ordering whiskey.

Happy Hunting!

Dear Girlmanac,
Gun To Your Head: Will You Practice Mormonism or Scientology? Pop quiz, hotshot. What's it gonna be?

BTW: www.mormonsexposed.com
BBTW: John Travolta? More like John TraVOLTING!!

Yours,
Wondering in Wausau

Dear Wondering,
What an excellent and interesting question! After much thought, I'm going to have to go with Mormonism. Bill Paxton is SOOO dreamy on that polygamy show, and as I would MOS DEF be the First Wife, I'd get to boss around Nikki and Margie all the time! And there would be all kinds of intrigue with the nearby rogue sect! And my parents-in-law would be the mom from Twin Peaks and Bruce Dern!
However, let me say that Scientology is a highly-respected and strong religion, giving comfort to thousands of rich people, sociopaths, and rich sociopaths all over the globe! You can't argue with success, people.