With nuk, and sans nuk.


Ivy rediscovered her nuk this morning. YAY! She's bounce-bouncing in her ExerSaucer and nom nom nommming on it, while watching Sesame Street. I'm getting lots of smiles. Hey...Snuffleupagus is on! Rock. I love Snuffy. Do people know he's not imaginary now? Uh oh...Snuffy accidently sold Radar, Big Bird's bear, to The Count...heartbreaking!
Yesterday was a Monday, in every sense of the word. I had wine the night before while watching le Oscars, and...

Oh no. The Count gave away Radar to a monster. This is not good.

Anyway, me+alcohol=next day depression. I know this. I mean, I thought I did. I didn't think about it Sunday night. Yesterday I found myself paralyzed with fear/emptiness, trying to care for a cantankerous baby with a cold and staring down a house that looked like a tornado had hit it. The poor little girl had been up since five, so she was exhausted but wouldn't sleep. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. It was one of those days where you feel like you're drowning in your life, and are powerless to affect any change in it. This isn't true, obviously. It was a hard day and everyone has them, and it's ok. When I have hard days, one of the worst things I tend to do it beat myself up endlessly for it, making it ten times worse than it has to be. I was worn out by my sick kid, therefore I'm a terrible mother. I didn't clean anything, therefore everyone who lives with me will hate me because I'm obviously lazy. I didn't do schoolwork, so I'm never going finish my degree. I felt alone yesterday, therefore GOD HAS FORSAKEN ME! (have you taken out the violins yet?) Those are some pretty harsh standards to live under...if I was that hard on someone I love, I wouldn't be a very good friend. But I treat myself like that all the time.

Ivy is dangling her bunny on the ground and just discovered what happens when she lets go...no more bunny. :( Mama can fix that, at least.

Oh, Big Bird got Radar back. Whew.

Dear Girlmanac: Easy Targets

Good day, fellow crewmembers on Spaceship Earth! Well, it's Hump Day, Babymanac is spitting at me, and I've had three cups of coffee. Squeeee! Today we focus on 'Easy Targets,' or people whom we shouldn't really make fun of because they aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but we're going to anyway because it's MY BLOG, DAMMIT. To paraphrase a favorite blog of Girlmanac's: spare the snark, spoil the morons.



Dear Girlmanac,
I make an effort to show compassion and love to everyone I know. However, there is a woman in my life whom I SIMPLY CANNOT STAND. She's insincere, annoying, shrill, and I try to avoid her, but she's EVERYWHERE! How do I overcome the fiery hot rage I feel every time I see or hear about her?

Fuming in Falcon Heights

Dear Fuming,
Boy, do I hear what you're singing, turtledove! And I must add that you really don't have to be anonymous with me; I ALSO hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck. You're right, of course: she's so insincere butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. (I don't know what this expression means, but I heard it one time and I enjoy using it.) It IS difficult to avoid Ms. H.Beck; she's everywhere! The webs are filled with her smirky face, her grating soundbites, and her chirpy regurgitated "opinions" on everything from politics to parenting, which are often tied together.
The grim reality, Fuming, is that whatever you think of her opinions, she rakes in money for the network, and she isn't going anywhere. It's insulting that the lone conservative voice on the View is so uninformed and inarticulate: not ALL conservative women are morons, but we get them shoved down our throat regularly, from Hasselbeck to Sarah Palin to Ann Coulter. (It could be argued that Ann Coulter is not a moron, and in fact she really isn't. She's just despicable, so she is lumped into my Ball of Fury, which is possibly not fair, but again, MY BLOG.)
The only thing to do, darling, is turn off your TV! This is what Girlmanac has done. Sorry, Whoopi and Joy: I love you, but I can't support your co-host. When Girlmanac doesn't particularly care for someone, she pretends they don't exist, and this is the best advice I can offer about Ms. Hasselbeck. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, is my motto. She will someday fade away into obscurity. Until then, I leave some of her gems for your catharsis:









Dear Girlmanac,
I live on a residential street in Minneapolis, and I'm confused about how public santitation works. For instance, when I clean out my car, I just throw the trash on the street, because what else would I do with it, right? Also, I put garbage in the alley behind my garage. I have a sneaking suspicion that the world might be my own personal toilet! Do you think it is?

Trashy on Taylor

Dear Trashy,
I hate to get all Judgy McJudgerton on you, but you are actually not good at being a person. I'm not saying you're a bad person, per se, but you are simply not skilled at being a human being. Also, you have disgusting practices. See what I did there? I didn't imply that your character is disgusting, merely that you were obviously raised in a shed, because to be raised in a barn you would at least know where your shit goes. Here are some tips for self-improvement:
1. Purchase some trash bags from your local merchant. If you can't afford trashbags, fear not! They actually give bags away for free when you buy groceries! This is an insane concept, I know. But really, I'm not yanking yer chain! It's true!
2. Place waste products (not poop) in bags. When they are filled, place them in the dumpsters behind your house! A person in a truck will come and take them away for you. It's gloriously easy!
3. If you have waste product that is recyclable, these go in separate containers. You see, technology is such now that you can...you know what? Let's save that lesson for next week. Baby steps!

Dear Girlmanac,
I think it is a good idea to give people nicknames. That way, they feel that you like them, and all you had to do was come up with a goofy name for them! However, I'm running out of ideas, and I think I need a system for this. Do you have any ideas?

Namin' in Northfield

Dear Namin',
Nicknaming people is one of my favorite pastimes! I must caution you, however: do not give people nicknames whom you don't like. It's too much to remember, and a waste of time.
Here is a sure-fire and popular way of nicknaming people: take the first initial of their first name, and the first syllable of their last name. Voila! You have a nickname! Examples:

Todd Springer= T-Spring
Kelli McLeod= K-Mac
Laura Geislinger= L-Geis

But what if you have a friend whose last name is one syllable? You get creative!
Ivy Mae Schwartz= I-Schwazz
OR, you take the first letter of their first name and simply add a silly word to the end of it.

From above:
T-Rex
K-Sauce
L-Crunch

I also like the suffixes -Chicken, -Attack, -Town, and -Factor.

This is a no-fail plan for nicknaming. You're welcome!

GIRLMANAC!