Sometimes I feel like I'm being propelled by sheer force of inertia; I wake up simply
because Ivy is crying and awake. I make lunch
because it's time for her to eat. My day is focused on
getting through these moments instead of enjoying these moments. Most of the time I feel like I'm in that vague place of awake and asleep, and I'm struggling to wake up. My brain and body vaguely pay attention to what I'm doing, they in a generally bored in-passing kind of way are aware of what I"m doing, but I'm not AWAKE! And my fear is that I miss something...every breath is something new she does, something she's discovered. And I want to be completely present for that.
In the past week and a half or so, Ivy has been actively hugging. I don't know when the first time it happened was...often she'll do something new with Michael or me, and we'll say to each other, "She did this today...has she done that before?" It's hard to keep up! :) But we noticed the hugging about the same time. Then she reached for Matt and hugged him, and we knew she was a hugger! What a snuggler. She still isn't a shy girl. Last night we went to Grandpa Bill and Grandma Jane's, and while most of the people there weren't completely familiar, she quietly observed, then decided they were great, then tore around the house chasing Teh Kitteh! She LOVES all her grandmas and grandpas, and is always so visibly excited to see them! Of course, they give her insane amounts of attention, which is awesome.
In my quest to become a better parent, aside from actually PRACTICING being one, I've been reading a lot from
The Mindful Parent. Mindful parenting is an idea that fascinates me, something I think can only benefit Ivy.
And as always, my favorite singer/songwriter is an inspiration:
I walk in stride with people
much taller than me
and partly it's the boots but
mostly it's my chi
and I'm becoming transfixed
with nature and my part in it
which I believe just signifies
I'm finally waking up
and there's this moth outside my kitchen door
she's bonkers for that bare bulb
flying round in circles
bashing in her exoskull
and out in the woods she navigates fine by the moon
but get her around a light bulb and she's doomed
she is trying to evolve
she's just trying to evolve
now let's get talking reefer madness
like some arrogant government can't
by any stretch of the imagination
outlaw a plant
yes, their supposed authority over nature
is a dream
c'mon people
we've got to come clean
cuz they are locking our sons
and our daughters in cages
they are taking by the thousands
our lives from under us
it's a crash course in religious fundamentals
now let's all go to war
get some bang for our buck
I am trying to evolve
I'm just trying to evolve
gunnin for high score in the land of dreams
morbid bluish-white consumers ogling luminous screens
on the trail of forgetting
cruising without a care
the jet set won't abide by that pesky jet lag
and our lives boil down to an hour or two
when someone pulls a camera out of a bag
and I am trying to evolve
I'm just trying to evolve
so I walk like I'm on a mission
cuz that's the way I groove
I got more and more to do
I got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that I don't take good pictures
cuz I have the kind of beauty
that moves
