Friday, January 30, 2009

Ask Girlmanac: Your Burning Questions are Flames...On The Sides of My Face...

Another day, another opportunity to enlighten my dear readers with my sage wisdom.

Dear Girlmanac,
I'm what's known as a "hipster." I'm weighing the pros and cons of wearing camouflage hotpants in public. What do you think?

Uppity in Uptown


Dear Uppity,
Thanks in advance for your candor and willingness to share your fashion insecurity on the intertubes. (For those of you unfamiliar with Uppity's terminology, "hotpants" are very short-short shorts.) And in answer to your question:
NO NO NO NEVER EVER EVER.
I don't care if you have the gams of Betty Grable. Or Neko Case, to speak your language. First of all, it is January in Minnesota. There should be pants on your stems AT ALL TIMES, and if you MUST go pantsless, please wear some heavy cabled tights. I understand this doesn't always "jive" with your "mojo," or whatever the kids are saying nowadays. I'm sorry, but I really must be a Prissy Patty on this subject. PANTS. Live it. Love it. Learn it.
Also, wearing thigh-nigh boots probably help with the warmth issue, but they still necessitate you wearing SHORTS IN THE WINTER. If you are in the comfort of your own home playing some crazy sex game that involves rollerskates and an order pad while attending to your partner's "car" under an "awning" while you crack chewing gum in your non-existent jowels and take his or her "order," then by all means, rock the hotpants. Alternatively, if you are a Roller Girl and are skating in a bout, by all means, wear hotpants. Either way, hotpants really should involve rollerskates. Otherwise, please do not assault my eyeballs in public.

Love,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
While in a single-toilet public restroom the other day, I discovered that the person before me had dropped the log fantastic and had not flushed. When I tried to flush, the toilet became clogged. I was so embarrassed! How do I leave the restroom without the whole establishment thinking I had committed the crime???

Humiliated in Ham Lake


Dear Humliated,
I particularly appreciate this question, because it serves as a useful public service announcement. Namely, put a little love in your heart, people! Either don't poo in public (best option) or try to unclog it! Don't leave it for a sista to deal with; that's just bad form. Second, if you are the victim of a Stealth Poo, you have two options. First, you can leave the restroom and loudly say, "Whoa! Someone took a huge dump in there and it WAS NOT ME, and now the toilet won't flush!" Or, you can just leave. Might be your best option right there.
Really, everyone: Take responsibility for your bodily functions.

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I am confused about birth control. I hear you are an expert. I keep switching my methods, and can't decide on one I like! What do you recommend?

Sexin' in Stillwater


Dear Sexin',
You're right! I am indeed an expert on birth control, and have been referred to by several anonymous people as a "Fertile Myrtle." I count myself lucky in one sense; I most likely will not have to worry about conceiving again in the future. On the other hand, birth control is no joke for folks like me. We will get pregnant if you breathe on us. SO. First of all, STOP SWITCHING BIRTH CONTROL. This results in babies. Trust me on this one. Also, it will mess up your hormones. But again, babies. Will. Result. Second, get an IUD. They last for five years, are just about fool-proof, (and I'm a fool, so I should know) and take no remembering or work at all on your part. Go to the doctor, and he or she will insert this tiny one-inch Miracle into your Uterus. You may or may not feel a slight pinch, (I didn't) and you may or may not have some menstrual-like cramps afterwards, (I did) but it's what works for me! I know you've heard all about the Big Bad IUD's of the 80's and 90's, but those IUD's have been taken off the market and sold to third world countries in Africa, so no worries! The New American IUD's are plastic and tiny and don't cause endometriosis or cancer. Or babies.

Sex it up!

Girlmanac

Fun like of the day

I normally hate Nip/Tuck, but Jennifer Coolidge showboated her way into my heart this week.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ask Girlmanac: The Return

Hello, Alert Readers! Apologies from Girlmanac HQ...I have been remiss in posting as of late, but the holidays/angst/mommying has gotten in the way of my mailbag. But, we're back, and like the '80's, better than ever! So let's get down to it, shall we?

Dear Girlmanac,
I am a pedestrian who frequents an area of Minneapolis informally referred to as "Seven Corners." I am vaguely aware of the existence of pedestrian traffic laws, but honestly, I don't understand them. I don't really get what all these colored lights mean, nor do I understand the "symbols" I encounter at said lights. And really, aren't pedestrian laws more like "unwritten customs"? I don't really need to follow them, right?

Wranglingly,
Strolling in Seven Corners


Dear Strolling,
Ah, yes. YOU. I know you. I see you often while driving with Babymanac. I will sometimes comment to her about how I wouldn't mind schmucking you with my car, were it not verboten in the sense that it would constitute vehicular manslaughter, and really, who needs that on their record? Not this girl.
So for the sake of keeping everyone safe and free from the roiling rage one might feel while watching you JAYWALK ALL THE FUCK OVER CHRISTENDOM, I will now do a mini-tutorial on the Etiquette of Traffic Lights:

1. a "Red" light means, "Don't walk, you simpering moron, because there are cars coming, as THEY HAVE A GREEN "AS IN GO" LIGHT. You may also note the red "DON'T WALK" signal, located underneath the red light.
2. A "green" light MAY mean "walk," but hey! Make sure you also look at the lane of cars next to you, for they may be turning. It is best to walk when there is
3. A WHITE PERSON-SHAPED SYMBOL. It will be solid, not flashing.

Hope this helps you not die! :)

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I've been feeling this free-floating, intense anxiet for the past several weeks. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my palms are constantly sweaty, and my mind is always racing. My baby is growing teeth, and I'm behind in my graduate classes...HELP!

Blargh,

Tweeking on Taylor


Dear Tweeking,
Dollface, you have what I like to refer to as "White Girl Ennui." There are several steps you can take to relieve the stress of being white, educated, and privileged. To expand:

1. Suck it up.
2. Chill the fuck out.
3. Get someone to take your baby for one or two days a week.
4. Do a lot of yoga.
5. Have as much sex as possible.
6. Remind yourself that you love your child more than life itself, and you're doing the best you can.
7. Thank the Higher Power Of Your Choosing for everything you've got, you ungrateful wench!
8. Ignore mothers who say they have it all figured out and it's easy. These people are unlikeable and will be punished by God.

Happy Homemaking!

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I really want some specific things for Valentine's Day, but I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. I want him to make me a mix tape, because I've never gotten one, but you can't really "ask" for something like that, right? Also, I want this pair of earrings I saw...I feel like Valentine's Day is one of those holidays where you shouldn't expect anything because it isn't a "real" holiday. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Stymied in St. Paul


Dear Stymied,
You're right: Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday. You shouldn't expect anything. However, we have unfortunately been trapped into feeling like Big Jerks if we don't do something special for our significant others, because at the end of the day, you really shouldn't NEED an excuse to do something special and thoughtful for your significant other. Has it occurred to you that you may not be the "mix CD" type? That your beauty simply doesn't invoke men to make mix tapes/CD's for you? This is a sad fact, but one you may have to come to terms with. If you're almost 30, and no one has ever made a mix CD for you, maybe it's time to get the net, as it were. Also, if I know you, and I feel like I do, someone in your life has probably already taken all the good songs and put them into mix CD's for THEIR significant other, so you'd just have sloppy seconds on the mix CD's and be forced to think of these OTHER people, instead of you and YOUR significant other. Not that this has ever happened to me. It's just something to think about.
But the earrings? Good idea. And if you want a mix CD, I can make one for you. :)

Girlmanac

Today's Special Link