Ask Girlmanac: Girl must be PMSing!

Hello, babies! It's been a tragic week here at Girlmanac HQ. Our mascot and best friend, Dogmanac, has gone to that squirrel-filled meadow in the sky. We are heartbroken, but must continue with him only in spirit as our guardian angel dog. I raise my 40 to you, Dogmanac: One for me, one for my doggie. He always sat on my feet to keep them warm as I wrote to you from my mailbag.

*Tear*

Okay! Our first letter comes from an alert reader, who is obviously a heavy girl with heavy problems.

Dear Girlmanac,
Every girl has a hidden VAGenda. What's yours?

Vaginal in Vadnais Heights


Dear Vadge,
It's almost as if you're a sista from another mista! OF COURSE Girlmanac has a hidden vagenda; it's what I LIVE for. Since we seem to be such kindred spirits, let reveal a few of my secret thoughts.

1. Find Sarah Palin and MAKE HER BE MY MOM. Then get pregnant, then get something that rhymes with "schmaschmortion,' and then go on the View, mainly so I will have an opportunity to throat-punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
2. Stage a musical version of The Vagina Monologues starring Noah Warren and his alter egos Sir Elton John, Macy Gray, Tina Turner, and Anneka Anderson. Sell tickets and write a check from the proceeds to the St.Olaf Alumni Fund, but while presenting it yell, "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" and run with it to the nearest bank that conains a checking account belonging to me.
3. Tell Brian Kennedy that I'm going on the Master Cleanse, create a fake blog about it and how easy it is and how wonderful I feel, and post fake pictures of things that come out of me while on the cleanse, like paper clips, a crack pipe, and a Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper sticker.

Those are just a FEW of my thoughts, darling. Ah, someday I will dictate a memoir to someone to write for me, and there all will be revealed. For now, I predict a Girlmanac/Warren presidential ticket in 2012.

Praise Christ,

Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,

Do you believe in the Hotness Monster? Some people say it is fake, but I don't believe that.

Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bryn Mawr

Dear Bewildered,
I've gone back and forth on this one. Normally, I don't believe in monsters. However, when I first saw your question, I read "HotMESS Monster," instead of "HotNESS Monster," and let me tell you, I really DO believe that our society is currently plagued by a "Hot Mess Monster," whether literally or figuratively speaking. Not only that, Girlmanac feels sincerely that she herself has lived with the Hot Mess Monster for most of her 29 er 25 years.
You see, Bewildered, whenever there is alcohol, hormones, men, hormones, and sleep deprivation, there is the Hot Mess Monster. Add in there psychotropic medication, and let steep for a few hours, and you have a HOT TRANNY MESS UP IN HERE. A few famous folks who have been visited by the Hot Mess Monster include:

1. This one.
2. This one.
3. Also, this gal.
4. And finally, this gal.

As for the Hotness Monster, I can only speculate. Although Girlmanac DOES seem cuter and more charming to herself after several Cosmos...

Ask Girlmanac: Girlmanac Gets Politicky!

Good day to you, Knights and Ladies of Rodanthe! Haha, just a little film humor there, because I have just returned from watching "Nights in Rodanthe," starring the dreeeeeaaaamy Richard Gere and the even dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaamier Diane Lane! What a film!

Just kidding. Girlmanac would never see that movie.

ANY-poo, my long absence can be attributed to many factors, brothers and sisters. First, it was Girlmanac's birthday, and she likes to get CRUNK. Second, it was a very good week on The View. That Elisabeth Hasselbeck! What a scamp! Cute as a button, to boot! Am I right? Third, Girlmanac's Pseudo-inlaws and parents were here this weekend, so Girlmanac was busy entertaining, gossiping with her mother, Womanac. Fourthly, Girlmanac had too much red wine last evening and embarrassed herself over said wine and possibly committed several or more social gaffes. Whew! I'm exhausted! So we have several letters from the mailbag to get to today; let's dive in, cause my vodka straight isn't getting less watered down!

Dear Girlmanac,
Is it possible to spin an Oriental person around so much that they become dis-oriented? AND WHAT GIVES when it comes to the price of pickled pepper packs? I mean sheesh!

PO'd in Prior Lake

Dear PO'd,
First of all, we don't call them "Orientals," anymore. That's racist. We call them "Mulattos from the Island of Mulatto." Perhaps you know someone like this. Second of all, they do not get disoriented because they have built-in compasses which update every half-second to tell them where they are, and get the latest scores of the baseball match. These chips also give them the ability to read minds and do lighting-fast linear equations. And we wonder why America is having a "brain drain"!

As for the Pickled Peppers, I asked my dear friend, and the father of Babymanac, who also happens to manage a high-end grocery store, why these little delicacies are in such high demand right now. He said the only explanation he could see was they were constantly being snapped up by a "Mulatto fellow" as soon as the shipment could get stocked.

Methinks you already know the answer, PO'd. Mayhaps a bit of soul-searching or food journalling could clarify things for you.

Best,
Girlmanac

Dear Girlmanac,
I am the founder of MAABA, Mothers Against the Advancement of Bear Astronauts. Would you care to donate some of your time to our organization? We are highjacking a Planned Parenthood and using it as our base of operations to perform mass bear abortions. We wantAHHHHH! My toaster is bi-racial!

Stymied in St. Paul

Dear Stymied,
Dearheart, your battle cry has been heard, and while Girlmanac loves nothing more than to donate her time to worthy causes, and she has visited Planned Parenthood five or six times, I simply can't squeeze one more volunteer hour into my schedule. And as for your toaster, let me just say this: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T TEACH ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION TO OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!! Whew. My apologies. Girlmanac doesn't like to get overtly political, but sometimes enough is enough!

Smoochies,
Girlmanac